So you’re starting to wonder if you’re not entirely straight. You might be freaking out a little. Your constant lies to the people around you might have even gotten more arbitrary and complex than they usually are. Don’t worry—that’s all completely normal. Maybe you’re gay; maybe you’re bi; maybe you’re so engaged in the game of psychological warfare that is marriage that it’s impossible to know for sure! Pause. It’s all fine, and there’s no rule that says you have to figure yourself out right away, or that you ever have to put a label on yourself, period. To be human, we must realize that there are some answers that will just never reveal themselves. Pause. That being said, we’ve put together a list of experiences that many gay people have in common, drawn entirely from the works of the late British playwright and Nobel Prize laureate Harold Pinter. If you find yourself agreeing with the majority of the statements below, there’s a good chance you’re not straight. Or perhaps you just enjoy sexual attention from attractive young men because it feeds your ego. Either way, the audience is going to come out of your story agreeing that there was definitely something going on.

You stay out at parties until four in the morning, discussing things.

You’re a good-looking young thug with literary pretensions.

That man reminds you of Hawkins from school, he really does. You can’t think of why.

You have a stunning collection of Oriental vases that must have cost £1500 each.

You don’t meet his eyes as you sink your feet into the hot water bath he’s just brought you.

You’re tall, but you wouldn’t say you were broad.

You pause, remembering. Hawkins was tall.

The best time to drink champagne is before lunch.

Susan is suspicious of your new manservant, but you don’t think there’s any real harm in him.

You read the paper in the mornings lying on your back on the carpet, in nothing but an open, stylish robe and boxers.

Though he’s supposedly just a secretary, he writes poetry, and you think it’s quite good.

You watch your manservant play solitaire. He pours you a drink and reminds you that he’s better for you than a wife could ever be.

You’re only human!

She asks you if you’d like something to eat. You say you want an olive. She says you two don’t have any olives in the house because she didn’t know you liked them. You pause. You tell her you’ve always liked olives.

You went along with him that first time because he had a nice open face.

Why don’t you just tell him to go? You must be mad.

You’re a bit of an opera fan yourself, but you’ve always kept it dead secret.

He really does have impeccable taste in furniture and art. You’re useless at such things, so it’s lucky he’s around to help you.

You pause. This is all rather unsubtle, don’t you think?

You’re holding two fruit knives, and you’ve got another one in your hip pocket.