Tell Us How You Ended Up Marrying Your Way Into A Creepy Mansion That Definitely Has A Haunted Attic And We’ll Guess Which Malevolent Spirit Is Haunting It!

The cold sick dread that wakes you in the middle of the night is not "just in your head." No matter how many times he insists to the contrary you do not bolt upright, drenched in sweat because you "just consumed too much of the 1961 Bordeaux with the duck confit tonight, darling."  The terror-filled howls echoing through … Continue reading Tell Us How You Ended Up Marrying Your Way Into A Creepy Mansion That Definitely Has A Haunted Attic And We’ll Guess Which Malevolent Spirit Is Haunting It!

Charlie Kelly or Charles Bukowski: Can You Guess Who Wrote Each of These Poems?

In recent years, much has been made of the phenomenon of "outsider art," or art brut. These terms, created respectively by art critic Roger Cardinal and artist Jean Dubuffet, refer to the creations of artists who work outside of the mainstream, such as psychiatric patients. Now, the term applies to visual art, but if we shift the definition to include the written … Continue reading Charlie Kelly or Charles Bukowski: Can You Guess Who Wrote Each of These Poems?

When Are They Going to Make A Fucking Kavalier & Clay Movie, God Fucking Dammit, It’s Been Twenty Fucking Years

So all the way back in the year 2000 - that's right, the turn of the fucking century, the dawn of the new millennium - notable great dad Michael Chabon dropped God's gift to American literature on us with The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay.  It is a magnum opus. It is the Great American Novel. … Continue reading When Are They Going to Make A Fucking Kavalier & Clay Movie, God Fucking Dammit, It’s Been Twenty Fucking Years

If Harry Potter Had Been Depressed Like The Other Teens I Know Instead of the Kind of Depressed that He, Harry, Was

Having the main character deal with every single problem by staying in bed does not make for a very exciting book set in a magical world. So, I totally understand why Harry dealt with his mental illness by going out and saving bunches of people whenever he could. But the thing is, he wasn't mentally … Continue reading If Harry Potter Had Been Depressed Like The Other Teens I Know Instead of the Kind of Depressed that He, Harry, Was

Major Barbara but Lady Britomart is Replaced with Lucille Bluth

Reading George Bernard Shaw's Major Barbara taught me two things: poverty is a crime and Lucille Bluth is eternal. Picture, if you will, Lady Britomart saying "I mean, it's one banana, Stephen. What could it cost? Ten dollars?" Besides, neither Gob nor Buster is quite foundling enough for Lucille (though she won't say so). This is … Continue reading Major Barbara but Lady Britomart is Replaced with Lucille Bluth

The Poky Little Puppy: Authoritarian Propaganda

The children’s literary canon is littered with propaganda. Drawn in by bright colors and insipid talking animals, children have little awareness that their ideologies are being manipulated, ensuring their futures as compliant citizens of the State. Nowhere is this more apparent than in the 1942 so-called classic, "The Poky Little Puppy." Although on its face … Continue reading The Poky Little Puppy: Authoritarian Propaganda

Babysitters Club Members Ranked Based on How Formative they were to my Lesbian Identity

There's no question when it comes to the blatant lesbianism of every member of the Babysitters Club. There were like... men in there, sometimes, but I can't for the life of me remember any of their names or qualities, so were they really there? When I was 11 or whatever, this iconic gang of entrepeneurial lesbites changed … Continue reading Babysitters Club Members Ranked Based on How Formative they were to my Lesbian Identity

Petfinder Pets’ Personalities if They Were Named After P.G. Wodehouse Characters

Sir Pelham Grenville Wodehouse is an acclaimed author and humorist of the 20th century and one of the finest namers who have ever existed. People, places, pets. You name it and he could name it. If he were alive today, I would adopt many pets so he could name them for me. But he is dead so … Continue reading Petfinder Pets’ Personalities if They Were Named After P.G. Wodehouse Characters

Excerpts From Leaves Of Grass Which Prove That I’m Being Chased By Walt Whitman

The collection of poems known as Leaves of Grass were published in various editions between the years 1855 and 1892. Despite the fact that this was all more than a century prior to my own birth I feel reading them as though the man himself has dogged me through life. Many of his poems, if … Continue reading Excerpts From Leaves Of Grass Which Prove That I’m Being Chased By Walt Whitman