Seven Pictures of Anderson Cooper That Prove He Was Once A Child and Did Not Spring Fully Formed From his CNN Desk with Hair the Colour of Stardust

Though it might seem that Anderson Cooper–professional presidential candidate-wrangler, storied journalist, and iconic gay gym icon–sprang fully formed from his CNN desk sometime in the early 90’s and has lived there ever since…that is not true. Anderson Cooper was once a child, a human child. He was even a baby, once. He lived in a house, not in the CNN studios, and continues to live in a house to this day.

Anderson did not spring from Wolf Blitzer’s left rib knowing how to read a teleprompter. He was once a fetus living inside a womb and, at that time, had no idea about human constructs like language or wearing black t-shirts while standing in the middle of a hurricane.

Of course, there are things about Anderson’s life that are not universal. Not everyone’s mom has a name as boss as “Gloria Vanderbilt,” and indeed some people in the world are not born Vanderbilts at all! But in every other respect Anderson Cooper is a normal human man. For example, he definitely grows a year older every time the earth goes around the sun. Oh yes, he definitely experiences time the same way as everyone else and not some other way.

With those true facts firmly in mind, here are some pictures that prove Anderson Cooper was once a child with hair in colours other than stardust:


1. Anderson Cooper was born and has been a human ever since that time. Like absolutely everyone else in the world, he grew up in a room so pink it makes you forget yourself and was raised by Princess Leia. If you look to the wall, you’ll see that they kept a shrine to Queen Amidala in the usual fashion. Blessed be her memory.


2. At the tender age of six, Anderson, who was born to a human mother wearing a red coat, got into riding. He would ride absolutely everything: the bus, the subway, the cabs, the chauffeured limo. From a young age he showed the kind of adaptive nature that makes great journalists great. Anderson never saw a vehicle he could not ride. Anderson was once a child.


3. At sixteen, Anderson realized for the first time that if you wear a tux they will absolutely let you sit on the weird sculptures at the MoMA and take selfies. This was the lesson he carried with him to minefields. Anderson has memories and experiences just like any other human who grew up on this earth.


4. Already worrying about financial independence at the age of twelve, Anderson wore a jacket that was 30% off and posed in front of a camera. He didn’t much care for the experience. All that polyester felt so rough against his normal human skin. But–in knowing the meaning of suffering and hard work–he gained an empathy that would help him keep his cool towards the guests on his CNN show. Oh how they scream! How they scream like they can feel the 30% off polyester too.


5. Like a lot of kids, Anderson learned the value of placing three ceramic cauliflowers on the coffee table at a young age. His mother, who was only on shore leave for a few days, smiled down at him and his brother and said, “Some people in this world are too afraid to accent a room green when it is so pink, but not you, do you hear me? You are not afraid.” His father was there too, albeit dressed as Beetle Juice, proving yet again that Anderson has human parentage.


6. This puts to rest those insidious rumors that Anderson Cooper does not have teeth. “Have we ever seen his teeth up close though?” some tiring idiot might ask you. Yes, yes we have! This is absolutely ridiculous. Of course he has teeth. For goodness’ sake, why would he not? He is a human being.

7. Anderson Cooper appeared in his high school yearbook like any other high school student who attended school and learned things there rather than appearing one day at a news desk with lots of knowledge about world politics already programmed into his brain. Look at that Yankees hat! He is a human person.


5 thoughts on “Seven Pictures of Anderson Cooper That Prove He Was Once A Child and Did Not Spring Fully Formed From his CNN Desk with Hair the Colour of Stardust

  1. Calixo Higgins says:

    What a lovely Satanic painting hanging over his mother’s bed. I’m sure that ideology has never influenced him at all and that he is a kind and moral person. I can see why you are trying so hard to convince yourselves that he is human.


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