Every “The National” Album, Ranked by How Much Matt Berninger Sounds Like a Bottom In It

While I don't pretend to be an expert on bottom culture, Ohio rock band The National's Matt Berninger certainly is. Encompassing lyrics from, "we'll be their pets, we'll wear their collars" to "I was born to beg for you," here's a comprehensive ranking of The National's current musical offerings, from least-bottomy to most. 8. The … Continue reading Every “The National” Album, Ranked by How Much Matt Berninger Sounds Like a Bottom In It

Sixteen Songs That Will Trigger Your Fight Or Flight Response When You Hear Them In Public, Provided You’ve Read Homestuck

16. Cooler Than Me https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtZf3-OmGVA The opening notes of this song are capable of instantly tipping me into a sort of conscious fever dream where I’m being pursued by hoards of Ikimaru Davekat drawings with a thirst for blood. 15. Nilili Mambo https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5L_gOBfGl2A I’m going to be totally real: you will never hear Nilili Mambo … Continue reading Sixteen Songs That Will Trigger Your Fight Or Flight Response When You Hear Them In Public, Provided You’ve Read Homestuck

I Thought I Was Hearing Him Wrong But It Turns Out MC Ride Really is Saying “I Stay Niche” in That One Death Grips Song

You guys know that one Death Grips song, I've Seen Footage? The banger to end all bangers? You know how in the intro it really sounds like MC Ride is saying "I stay niche," but it's kind of difficult to make it out, and you're like, "Okay, he can't actually be saying 'I stay niche,' there's no … Continue reading I Thought I Was Hearing Him Wrong But It Turns Out MC Ride Really is Saying “I Stay Niche” in That One Death Grips Song

The Niche’s Top 25 Albums of 2017, and Also the Lines from Richard Siken’s “Crush” That Best Describe Them

25. Wolf Parade - Cry Cry Cry Tell me about the dream where we pull the bodies out of the lake and dress them in warm clothes again. -- Richard Siken, Scheherazade 24. Kelela - Take Me Apart https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ePi5BLJogyA I wanted to take him home and rough him up and get my hands inside him, … Continue reading The Niche’s Top 25 Albums of 2017, and Also the Lines from Richard Siken’s “Crush” That Best Describe Them

In Honour of the New Star Wars Movie, Watch This Trilogy of Luke Skywalker Fan Videos Set to Lana Del Rey Songs

Once a year at Christmastime, we gather together to celebrate our Lord and saviour: Luke Skywalker. Yes, Star Wars Season is a time of merriment, a time of gratitude and peace. What better way to celebrate than to indulge in a trilogy of Lana Del Rey music videos which focus on Luke Skywalker's emotional journey? No better … Continue reading In Honour of the New Star Wars Movie, Watch This Trilogy of Luke Skywalker Fan Videos Set to Lana Del Rey Songs

Nation’s Wig Retailers Devastated After Surprise Release of New Car Seat Headrest Single

Local business-owner Rhonda Lamprey has seen some strange things in her 41 years as the owner of Butterfly Salon & Beauty Supply, a San Bernardino-based purveyor of wigs and hair-care products. She has seen fads come and go; she has seen bouffants, beehives, and box braids. But never has she seen anything so strange as … Continue reading Nation’s Wig Retailers Devastated After Surprise Release of New Car Seat Headrest Single

Sufjan Stevens’ New Song About Tonya Harding That I Am Certain I Dreamt Up Even Though Other People Are Acting As If It Is Real

It's been a year since Yuri!!! on Ice turned every lesbian weeb into a figure skating fan. That means the posts that currently cross my Tumblr dashboard can be divided into three major categories and the intersections thereof: shitposts from Nichers, gay stuff, and the first Olympic sport in which my athletically disinclined soul has … Continue reading Sufjan Stevens’ New Song About Tonya Harding That I Am Certain I Dreamt Up Even Though Other People Are Acting As If It Is Real

We Need A Musical Episode of Stranger Things and We Need It Now

Dear the Brothers Duffer, Hello, good sirs. You have made a really neat television series. The plot is a living, breathing homage to eighties genre greats with enough twists and 21st century updates to keep things fresh. Your casting directors just crushed it, and I love every character more than the last. You even get … Continue reading We Need A Musical Episode of Stranger Things and We Need It Now