Every Line of Motion Sickness Ranked by How Much It Makes Me Want to Give Phoebe Bridgers A Sword

Readers, hopefully we’re all in agreement that violence is bad, and that killing people with weapons is, in most circumstances, not good. However, have you heard “Motion Sickness” by Phoebe Bridgers? Like, really listened? Because if you, like me, have listened to “Motion Sickness,” many times, on repeat, in a car, or lying in bed, while … Continue reading Every Line of Motion Sickness Ranked by How Much It Makes Me Want to Give Phoebe Bridgers A Sword

Lyrical Changes I Would Make to Natasha, Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812 to Make the Fact That Pierre Is in Love With Andrey More Explicit

As we all know, Pierre Bezukhov, the character from Leo Tolstoy's War and Peace, is gay. Great Comet, Dave Malloy's musical adaptation of part of the novel, hints at this fact, but not, in my opinion, quite enough. Here are the slight lyrical changes and production choices that I always make in my head when … Continue reading Lyrical Changes I Would Make to Natasha, Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812 to Make the Fact That Pierre Is in Love With Andrey More Explicit

An Alphabetically Ordered List of Every Fictional Character That Comes Up When You Google “little lion man livejournal fanmix 2010”

Once upon a time, in the year 2010 -- nearly a decade ago, fuck me -- there was a land called Livejournal. And the residents of that land loved nothing more than to collect angsty songs by white men and collate them into angsty playlists about white men. Entire communities sustained themselves on this practice, even though … Continue reading An Alphabetically Ordered List of Every Fictional Character That Comes Up When You Google “little lion man livejournal fanmix 2010”

“Sleep Well Beast” by The National, But With Derogatory Epithets Other Than “Beast”

Sleep Well Asshole Sleep Well Bastard Sleep Well Bonehead Sleep Well Bootlicker Sleep Well Bumpkin Sleep Well Butthead Sleep Well Buttlicker Sleep Well Chav Sleep Well Chump Sleep Well Clown Sleep Well Cockmaster Sleep Well Cow Sleep Well Creep Sleep Well Cretin Sleep Well Dick Sleep Well Dickbag Sleep Well Dickface Sleep Well Dickhead Sleep … Continue reading “Sleep Well Beast” by The National, But With Derogatory Epithets Other Than “Beast”

My Neighbor Rented an Ice Cream Machine and I Missed it to Arrange the House MD Theme for a Quintet

A year ago a good friend of mine - you wouldn't know her, so let's call her "Golive Blambientwitch" - and I decided it would be a fabulous idea to arrange Massive Attack's "Teardrop" for five people. There was no reason for the song choice, or for the specificity in the numbers. Nothing means anything. … Continue reading My Neighbor Rented an Ice Cream Machine and I Missed it to Arrange the House MD Theme for a Quintet

The Top Ten Least Relatable Lines On Mitski’s New Album “Be The Cowboy”

1. ‘I'll be around on Sunday’ - Old Friend I have work meetings all day Sunday, actually! I have to run a unicorn camp on Monday. I guess Mitski could be doing this as well, but I feel like I would've heard about it by now, probably through a dramatically lit photoshoot. 2. ‘Walk up … Continue reading The Top Ten Least Relatable Lines On Mitski’s New Album “Be The Cowboy”

“Wouldn’t It Be Nice” by The Beach Boys, but With Single-Syllable Adjectives Other Than “Nice”

Wouldn't It Be Bad Wouldn't It Be Big Wouldn't It Be Brave Wouldn't It Be Chill Wouldn't It Be Choice Wouldn't It Be Clutch Wouldn't It Be Cool Wouldn't It Be Dark Wouldn't It Be Drab Wouldn't It Be Dope Wouldn't It Be Droll Wouldn't It Be Dumb Wouldn't It Be Fresh Wouldn't It Be … Continue reading “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” by The Beach Boys, but With Single-Syllable Adjectives Other Than “Nice”