Reader, I come to you now from inside a dark and damp cave. For years I’ve bided my time, collected my data, risked my neck… All while you have been out galavanting in the world, getting gay married with a legal weed wedding registry and inventing new yoga moves in what I assume you now call New New York Brought To You By Coca Cola (this cave only has dial up, and I’ve been loading an article on great crock pot recipes for the last 2 years)… where did this sentence start? Oh yes. While you’ve had all that fun, I have risked life and limb to bring you my magnum opus. And though I now risk my second life and another one of my many limbs, I owe it to you – the one halfheartedly scrolling through this, trying to decide if it’s worth finishing – to get this information out there. In fact, even more than I owe it to you, I owe it to myself. And more than I owe it to myself, I owe it to my own hairline – which has been there for me through thick and thin, and nowadays just thin.

So with no further ado, and because I can hear the sinister clash of one of my many traps being set off by an approaching posse of bounty hunters, I bring you this official list:

20 Men Whose Bad Hairlines You Haven’t Noticed Due To What I Suspect Is A Multi-Level Government Conspiracy 

Bradley Cooper

Bradley Cooper, more like Bradley P.U.-per! That hairline is nothing to write home about, and by the time the letter got to your aging mother – and she finally found it in that mail pile you’ve been trying to get her to be more organized about – it will only have gotten worse! Also it will likely be awkward, because by then he will undoubtedly have left you for the sweet siren call of an Academy Award. I assume he’s gotten his hairless mitts on a nomination by now, right? Also, tell your mom to watch Marie Kondo and get an IKEA organizer. That’s not related, it’s just a suggestion for The Year 2019 (Brought To You By Coca Cola).

Chris Evans

Always a dedicated actor, this man has gone above and beyond with his commitment to the trans narrative of Captain America, and has moved on to that classic Transmasc Year 3 move: losing all your hair and having to develop a personality to compensate. Anyone can get fat for a role, Christian Bale, but I don’t see you waving that sweet hairline goodbye. You know what, take away Mr. Bale’s Oscar. I assume he also has one at this point.  Don’t necessarily give it to Chris though, in fact I’ll hold onto it for a while. Just throw it into your local cave – I’ll find it while scavenging for scraps of food and tin and avoiding that slimy humanoid creature that lurks far below and speaks only in riddles.

Mitt Romney

Here’s where the government part of this conspiracy comes in. They say the face reflects the character of a man. Actually they don’t, and whenever I do people don’t tend to find it funny. Nevertheless – much like his political opinions –  Mitt’s hard Eagle Scout part seems to be an ever-changing and constantly weakening mess of over-grooming. He once had a strong jaw and a hairline to match, and he looked like the cool barbecue dad next door that was definitely going to argue with you about corporations being people while you ate that hamburger, but he wasn’t going to be that mean about it. Nowadays he’s just like your average hippie, with a weird widow’s peak situation up there and a vendetta against the president – unless Trump is in the room and making eye contact, or he needs something, or Trump’s not in the room but there’s also no reporters to tattle, or he happens to be in Utah County for a Krispy Kreme donut, or…

Cary Grant

I include him to give damning evidence that this conspiracy has gone on for almost a century. And not because I wasted my last extremely risky once-a-solstice research outing in the real world by instead going to the local library and googling pictures of him in North by Northwest…. regardless, I’m right. Sexy man. Gay man. And now that I’m looking at him again, his hairline actually isn’t bad at all. But I’ve got the image saved already, so I might as well toss this one in as a treat for me. Just Google Marlon Brando or something, you get my point.

Ben Affleck

Oh, THAT’S Ben Affleck? I thought it was Bruce Willis. Now I might be biased – since I saw part of the trailer for Gone Girl while passing a Best Buy tv display and decided I don’t trust him – but that guy has a forehead Walt Whitman could write a poem on… A forehead you could tee a golf ball on… Pink Floyd wrote The Wall to explore abandonment and isolation, in what I can only assume was a reference to the way Ben Affleck’s eyebrows feel about never getting to see his hairline anymore… It’s free real estate, is what it is.

Hugh Jackman

It is my firm belief that we are all given at least one deeply flawed character trait when we are born, to keep us humble. And when Hugh Jackman didn’t realize that his singing voice was supposed to be his, a thundering decree from on high said “Let his hairline go!”

Ryan Gosling

Yeah that’s right, straight ladies, his hairline is bad. Or not even necessarily bad yet, but definitely no longer good. And you know what, so is Channing Tatum’s. Probably. I assume. I’m not willing to close my crock pot article just to find out, it’s 73% loaded at this point.

Harry Styles

Actually you do know this one, but you don’t want to.

Chris Pratt

Chris Pratt is a member of the Hillsong church these days, much to the shock of absolutely no one at all. However, while he is ostensibly attending the famously homophobic services of his own free will, his hair follicles have chosen to do the brave thing and have refused to join him. In fact, on this subject, just assume absolutely every actor in a Marvel franchise who couldn’t be classified as a downright twink is also on this list. Last time I saw Benedict Cumberbatch in the wild without that Dr Strange wig on I audibly gasped.

Dwayne Johnson

Believe it or not, Mr. The Rock is actually OH FUCK, JESUS NO. NO.  NO, I NEED MORE TIME. NOT MY LAST TRAP NOT MY, OH PLEASE… SHIT, CANCEL CROCK POT. CANCEL CROCK POT. SEND TRANSMISSION. IF YOU ARE READING THIS IT WAS SUCCESSFULLY UPLOADED TO THE LIBRARY OF CONGRESS LIKE I INTENDED. IT’S TOO LATE FOR ME, BUT PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU, CONTINUE THE LEGACY. LOOK AT MEN’S HAIRLINES CRITICALLY. NOTICE THE WIGS, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE FOLLOW THE DAMN WIGS. IT’S A PATTERN, YOU HAVE TO BE VIGILANT. I, OH NO, NO. DON’T COME NEAR ME. I’LL SHOOT. I SWEAR I’LL D