Reasons I Would Make An Excellent Edwardian Era Under-Gamekeeper And You Should Consider Me For The Position

rupert

is this not me [x]

  1. I look fantastic in a flat cap. This skill is wasted in 2017, where flat caps are worn only to conceal male-pattern baldness.
  2. Likewise, I can really fill out a set of tweed breeches.
  3. I had to look up what Rupert Graves’ character in Maurice actually did for a living. This charming, unwashed ignorance would no doubt heighten the electricity of our dalliances, sir. Aren’t you so dreadfully tired of those dry Oxbridge dolts, too busy quoting Tennyson to administer a proper rogering? A tabula rasa such as myself would be a diverting change of pace, I think.
  4. I have strong hands. Calloused, work-roughened hands. Even in the dim dusklight of your quarters, in those few stolen hours between servants’ rounds and manorly obligations, you could still make out the contrast between my tanned fingers and those milky wrists of yours. 
  5. I have demonstrated ability to correctly identify a pheasant.
  6. Although you have every right to suspect the worst from an urchin such as myself, my forays into blackmail have only ever been in the service of love.
  7. I can’t and won’t grow a mustache.
  8. My unselfconscious ease, free of intellectual posturing and emasculating poshness, would make that one ex of yours soooooo jealous.
  9. I have twice now presented barbers with pictures of Hugh Grant.
  10. Despite humble beginnings, my teeth are perfect.
  11. I know all the best hiding places on the grounds, sir. Should you ever need a few minutes’ reprieve from your many obligations, I would be most honored to show you the unused quarters on the far side of the lake. The view can be right beautiful in the evenings, or so I’ve been told.
  12. My clear eyes betray a quiet intelligence.

 


Disclaimer: this post was inspired by the late, fantastic the-toast.net.

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