I Opened My iPhone Notes at 3 AM and All I Found Was a List of Year-Old Harry Potter-Themed Post Ideas Next to an Entry that Just Said “Salami Trucks”

It’s 3 AM here. I have many things to do but decided to record a stray thought on my Notes app as though I am someone who does that. The following, lightly edited, potential Niche article titles were the only comprehensible entries I had in my notes:

-Niche Quiz: If the different Niche interests were used to determine Hogwarts Houses would you say you’re (a) the head of the Catholic Church, (b) a talking mouse, (c) a “plucky tomboy” having adventures in a historical era that is not this one or (d) a snake?

-Five Pairs of Actors I’d Like to See Play Sirius and Remus in a Rom Com Directed by Ang Lee (No Loser, It’s Not a Prequel They Grow Old Together and Become That Gay Couple)

-What if a Bunch of Millennial Wizards and Witches Called Harry Potter a Liberal Because He Showed Mercy to Several Known Fascists? What then? What if they called him…a centrist?

-Voldemort Has a Swear Jar and He Makes the Death Eaters Put a Whole Galleon in Every Time They Accidentally Talk Like Real People Rather than Cartoon Villains

-All the Classic Farmer’s Market Items Ranked in Order of Whether Draco Had to Erase the Vendor’s Memory After Asking Them About the Item

-The Niche Presents An Exclusive Look Inside Ginny’s Closet!, A Choose Your Own Adventure Story Where You Either Get the Heck Out of There or Face The Consequences

-Harry Potter but if the characters actually treated school like other teenagers I’ve known and were stressed out about schoolwork or took their extracurriculars rather than behaving how they, the characters in the book, behaved

-Harry Potter and the amount of difference it would make to the story if Peeves replaced Dumbledore as headmaster (zero)

-Harry Potter and the amount of difference it would make to the story if Dumbledore had behaved in an openly gay fashion (probably a lot)

-What if Dumbledore hadn’t gone through a white supremacist phase nor dated a thinly veiled Hitler….wait wait— Voldemort is a thinly veiled Hitler serving as a not-at-all veiled allegory for fascism quo fascism….if Grindelwald is the precursor to Voldemort/fascism…I guess he is a metaphor for the traditional colonial Empire? yes duh duh he and his boyfriend wanted to “benevolently” enslave the muggles and rule them…..classic English Empire

-What if Harry’s fucked up father figure hadn’t literally dated Kaiser Wilhelm II? The Niche Investigates

-7 Scenes from the Time Dumbledore Stands Trial for Conspiracy to Commit War Crimes…ok pause, hang on, do they prosecute war crimes? Seemed like in Wizard law everyone is thrown together in one system? Cause I want like a real trial not a fake Wizard one where people chain you to a chair and jeer at you until you confess. Boy wizards sure did not have a government…

-Harry Potter but This Time Wizard Law Recognizes the Deeply Entrenched Anglo-American Rule Against Admitting Hearsay

-Harry Potter but People are 1/10th as Scandalized by Crouch Sending People Straight To Prison Without Trial as They Are by the Thought That Harry Entered His Name Into the Goblet of Fire

-Five Times Hermione Pushed for Major Reforms to the Wizard Legal System and the One Time She Just Transfigured Herself Into a Redwood Tree and Never Spoke to Another Human for the Glorious Remainder of Her 2000-Year Tree Life

-7 Times the Marauders Pranked Snape in Wizard Afterlife, Ranked by the Quality of Sirius’s Nickname for Snape During Each Encounter

-The Marauders Debate Whether Snape’s One Good Deed Justifies His Presence in Wizard Heaven

-The Marauders Discover Snape is Actually in Wizard Hell Where He Belongs and They Have Been Pranking a Simulation of Snape Created Specifically for Their Amusement

-Marauders in America: Is This a Quote from When The Marauders Debated Whether Happiness Derived from Simulation can Equal Happiness Derived from Authentic Experience or a Quote from the Tony Award Winning Angels in America?

-The Marauders Jailbreak Out of Wizard Heaven   

-The Marauders Prank Snape in Wizard Hell

-The events of all seven Harry Potter books from the perspective of any previously unnamed students in Harry’s year

-Same post but it’s entitled: Suraya Roberts and the Time my High School Education (which is Supposed to also Replace University Apparently!) Was Interrupted by Actual Terrorists Infiltrating School and Attempting Mass Murder, Books 1-7

-The Niche Presents: a sitcom centered around the Ministry-created remedial night classes specifically for students in Harry’s year who cannot perform their jobs or basic magic tasks because they missed months and years of their education to Harry’s hero quest

-When Hermione Said “Hey We Should Go to Muggle Psychiatrists so We Can Begin Dealing with a Fraction of All This PTSD We’re Gonna Have,” She Did Not Foresee that Her Friends’ Erratic and Highly Conspicuous Behavior Would Lead to Peer-Reviewed Papers and a New Entry in the DSM

-All the Times a Med Student Rushed Up to Ron to Ask Him If He is the Ron Weasley after whom Weasley’s Disorder is Named, Ranked in Order of the Complexity of Spells Ron Fantasized Casting Upon Them During the Encounter




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s