Are you fucking ready for some lesbians?

First Up: Dr. Allison Cameron

The only woman who is legally allowed to own a “one vest per episode” number of vests is named Ellen DeGeneres. Cameron is such an archetypal closeted lesbian that it’s almost like the House writers traveled forward in time and challenged each other to construct a character whose personality traits all come from the closeted lesbian opinions tumblr:

• Only ever interested in men she knows 100% have no interest in her including her boss who tells her “I don’t like you”? Check.
• Married a dying man she admitted she wasn’t into because he was sad? Sounds like a closeted lesbian.
• Let Chase pursue her relentlessly at every stage without really being interested and then finally relent in a lukewarm manner cause they’d been together for too long? Check.
• Immediately invested in the minute details of a patient’s life when it’s a woman? You guessed it.
• Those heels that are kind of clunky and sensible but not sneakers because that would be blatantly gay? Fucking check.

Distinguished Lesbian Dr. Eric Foreman

This is what happens every episode: Foreman comes to work every day and wants to do his job. Cameron says, “I have a crush on House because of the closet lesbianism.” Chase says, “I need House’s approval for Oedipal reasons.” House says, “I need to know why Wilson switched from non-dairy Vanilla creamer to half & half. Foreman have I made a racist joke at you yet today?” And Foreman is like, “I am begging you, as a lesbian having to endure the work place in the early 2000’s, that we forego our personal lives and just fucking do our jobs.”

Like, Foreman. Honey. I know things were fucked up in 2005 but we are coming up on the 30th anniversary of Kimberle Crenshaw coining the term intersectionality. You CAN sue. I’m not even putting House’s lawyer ex-girlfriend Stacy (a clear lesbian) on this list because she committed malpractice by not even offering to sue the hospital and House on Foreman and Cameron’s behalf.

The Titular: Dr. Robert Fucking Chase

Listen. Listen. I hear you. You’re saying: “But look at his Ellen haircut and his rolled up sleeves…how is he NOT a lesbian?”

WRONG: (A) I do not know a single lesbian who got a prestigious fellowship cause their daddy made a call and (B) he literally stalks Cameron after she says NO I don’t wanna date you.  Checkmate. Not a lesbian.

Dr. Remy Bicon”Lots of Girls Realized They Liked Girls Because You Wore Suspenders” THIRTEEN

 

I think the way she sits speaks for itself.

Who’s not a lesbian no matter how many haircuts he gets? This Chase!

Getting your hair cut at a lesbian salon by a woman named Charlie who has a giant fig tattooed on her forearm does not magically render you a lesbian Chase. Spend your money on tempeh bacon you Echo Park-looking fuck.

Dr. Chi Park: Dictionary Lesbian

If they’d popped some Warby Parkers on her instead of whatever these are, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation. You KNOW Park has the Strandkrypa Ikea bedspread.

 House and Wilson: Real-Life Lesbians

True story–One time I was eating ice cream while waiting for the bus and I heard a lesbian couple have the following argument in heated stage whispers right next to me and the energy of that argument was indistinguishable from this scene where House and Wilson air all their grievances on the sidewalk in front of House’s apartment while Wilson wears a McGill sweatshirt:

Lesbian 1: I want to feel SEEN by you.

Lesbian 2: I see you! I see you!

Lesbian 1: I do not feel SEEN by you.

Lesbian 2: Your feelings are valid but they hurt my feelings.

Lesbian 1: That is also valid but you bringing that up at this juncture only serves as a weapon that stifles a productive discussion of our relationship.

Lesbian 2: *tearfully* I’m sorry.

Lesbian 1: *tearfully* No I’M sorry.

Lesbian 2: I want to be at your center and I feel like I’m at the periphery now.

Lesbian 1: You are my center.

Lesbian 2: We need to stop having these vicious fights.

Lesbian 1: We are gay. We are gay.

Controversial Non-Lesbian Take: Dr. Lisa Cuddy

If Lisa Cuddy were a lesbian she would have either (A) handed in her resignation after the events of the Pilot and moved to Vermont to marry a woman named Savannah Deichmann and work at a Planned Parenthood; or (B) married House in Season 3 in that way that closeted lesbians sometimes instinctively find and marry gay men. Lesbian Lisa Cuddy would NOT hem and haw for SIX SEASONS and rightly point out all of the flaws that make House an unsuitable partner for her and then change her mind FOR NO DISCERNIBLE reason and show up to kiss him at the end of Season 6. I understand this will disappoint that niche of Lesbian House Fans who want Lesbian Lisa Cuddy but she has committed too many NON LESBIAN acts. Sorry Lesbians: NOT A LESBIAN!

Wilson by Himself: That Part of Billy Eichner “Let’s Go Lesbians” Video Where Billy Goes “Lesbians? Jews! Jews? Lesbians! Lesbians and Jews! Lesbians and Jews! Hi Jews We’re Lesbians!”

Who’s got two thumbs, hits on every female co-worker he has and still ISN’T a lesbian? This guy: