It’s been fifteen years since the Emmy Award-winning series Queer Eye for the Straight Guy revolutionized reality television. And it’s been three months since we here at Netflix re-revolutionized reality television by rebooting Queer Eye and bringing you a bunch of thinkpieces about the semiotic ramifications of Antoni’s bulge.
Today, Netflix is pleased to introduce a new spin-off series: Singer-Songwriter Eye for the Sad Girl, with a brand new Fab Five: Joanna Newsom (Food & Wine), Solange (Interior Design), Mitski (Culture), Fiona Apple (Grooming), and Lorde (Fashion). We’d originally cast Grimes as our culture expert, but we regret to report that her contract was canceled when she drove her Tesla through the brick wall of the studio on the first day of shooting, and a bunch of first edition copies of The Fountainhead came flying out of the trunk, and one of the books struck a production intern, who then had to go to the hospital for reconstructive surgery to repair her broken nose, and Grimes stood in front of the ambulance the whole time they were loading her onto the stretcher, talking loudly about “the foibles of socialized medicine.”
Anyway, on Singer-Songwriter Eye for the Sad Girl, our new Fab Five will forge relationships with sad girls from a wide array of backgrounds, touching on everything from navigating toxic relationships to reading your birth chart to preparing a hearty farm-to-table stew of heirloom thistles and smoked venison, culled from an ancient Newsom family recipe. Check out a preview of our first episode below!
Kayleigh Simmons is a 22-year-old nursing student and dog-walker. She resides in Newport Beach, California, with her boyfriend, Jared, 38, a Twitch streamer and Minecraft YouTuber. In her spare time, she enjoys reading, yoga, and crocheting.
Kayleigh is sad for many reasons. Her schedule at nursing school leaves her with little time for leisure activities and self-care, and her dog-walking business barely makes enough to pay rent. Jeremy normally helps out with the bills, but he recently fell on hard times; his YouTube account was demonetized after he shouted racial slurs at a Hanzo main during a heated round of Overwatch, and the corporate fat-cats have failed to respond to his repeated requests to have his account reinstated. With money so tight, Josh can no longer afford to take Kayleigh out on dates, or reply to her texts, or pay her taxi fare when she needs to visit her sick grandmother in the hospital.
It’s been a tough few months for Kayleigh, but worry not: our Fab Five will have this sad girl smiling in no time!
Grooming with Fiona Apple
FIONA: All right, Kayleigh. Just walk me through your morning routine here. Let’s see what we’re working with.
KAYLEIGH: Okay, so, my first class starts at 8:00 AM, and I have to ride the bus to campus ever since I sold my bike to pay for James’ new webcam. And that’s about an hour and a half ride, so I absolutely have to be out the door by 6:30. And it takes me, oh, I don’t know, forty-five minutes to put my face on, so I’m usually up at five —
FIONA: It takes you forty-five minutes to put on make-up?
KAYLEIGH: Is that a lot? I don’t know. My boyfriend doesn’t like it when I leave for class barefaced. He thinks it looks sloppy. He says if I want to make a good impression, then I should —
FIONA: Okay, listen. Listen, Kayleigh. Listen to me, before I march out of here and kill your 38-year-old boyfriend with my bare hands. You don’t need, like, any of this. Like, what is this shit, even? This little palette thing I’m holding?
KAYLEIGH: Oh, that’s a Killawatt Freestyle Highlighter, in Trophy Wife.
FIONA: I don’t, like… We are throwing this out. We are going to throw all of this out, and you are going to start over, and I am going to teach you how to accessorize with snails.
KAYLEIGH: Oh, like those snail mucin serums you can buy at Sepho —
FIONA: No! Fuck no! Live snails! I’m talking about live snails, Kayleigh! You are living in a whole new world now. I want you to go out into your garden after a rainstorm and pluck a bunch of snails off the leaves and stick them to your face. Make a hat out of a live octopus. Take a bunch of magic markers and scribble on your arms. Cut your own bangs without looking in a mirror. You’re free, Kayleigh. You’re free.
FOOD & WINE WITH JOANNA NEWSOM
KAYLEIGH: What do I eat in a typical day? Good question. Let me think. Well, I don’t have a ton of time in the morning, so usually I’ll just grab a granola bar and eat it on the bus before class. And then I’ll head over to the cafeteria around lunch and get in line for the salad bar — just because Jeffrey keeps saying I’ve been putting on weight lately — and I’ll maybe have, like, a milkshake as a snack in the afternoon, if I’m being naughty. I don’t get back ’til pretty late, usually, so it’s hard to get dinner on the table for Jacob. I might buy a crock pot, so I can, like, throw some stuff in first thing in the morning, and then by the time I get home, it’s all ready. Do you think that’s a good —
My sweetheart, my girl, all this pedantry, Kayleigh!
I plead with you, darling, to sail forth gaily,
To feast of the sea, of the sky, of the stable,
Of silk spun of sugar, as in an old fable,
To cherish your belly, your brain, and your body;
In glorious gluttony, spurn the word “naughty”
When speaking of stuff which pours life in your veins,
Which rears you from birth, rending health from your pains;
Hear me, O Kayleigh, you sweet stumbling faun,
May this day mark a newness, a brilliant dawn,
And this too, I beg you, my dear, I’ll be blunt:
Break up with that dick; does he even eat cunt?
FASHION WITH LORDE
LORDE: Let me ask you this, Kayleigh: why do we dress ourselves?
KAYLEIGH: Um… to stay warm? To look nice? Or because it would be weird if everyone went around naked all the time?
LORDE: Wrong. We dress to mystify. To baffle. To instil terror in the hearts of men. Does your current aesthetic accomplish this?
KAYLEIGH: I mean, I shop at Forever 21? Sometimes H&M if there’s a sale. I haven’t been shopping in a while, actually. Ever since Justin’s YouTube channel got demonetized, I’ve had to pick up his half of the phone, cable, internet, and hydro bills. So that’s, like, my entire clothing budget, right there.
LORDE: Fiona and Joanna already implored you to dump the fucker, I presume?
KAYLEIGH: They did, yeah. But he’s not that bad, I swear.
LORDE: Turn from me, and ascend the stairs to your bedchamber. There, open your closet. You will find, on hangers, a crown of red dahlias, greaves of pink velvet, poleyns of fine floral silk, a spandex tasset in metallic silver, a Fashion Nova plackart in light tangerine, and a gardbrace of fine mint tulle. Don the items, and then open the wooden box on the floor of the closet. Enclosed, you will find a broadsword of burnished steel, gifted to us from Rookie Mag™’s new weaponry collection. Take the sword and slay your boyfriend. Godspeed.
KAYLEIGH: But I —
LORDE: Go. Disembowel him.
KAYLEIGH: That just seems like an extreme step to take.
LORDE: They don’t call me a liability for nothing.
INTERIOR DESIGN WITH SOLANGE
SOLANGE: As you can see, I’ve taken pains to strip your one-bedroom apartment of its outdated, uninspired decor, in favor of a look that is simultaneously rustic and modern, sprawling and minimalist. The wallpaper has been torn down, revealing exposed brick; the carpet has been ripped up, laying bare the beautiful wooden floor beneath. Exposed beams run the length of your ceiling, and the windows are now bare, allowing natural light to filter in and renew you each morning upon waking.
KAYLEIGH: Wow! This is a big change. And I see you’ve brought in — wow, lots of plants.
SOLANGE: Yes. A veritable indoor garden, to return you to the Earth when you weary of the ways of the world, to draw you back to the nature from whence you came.
KAYLEIGH: Sweet! And I guess you’ll be bringing in the furniture tomorrow, or —
KAYLEIGH: Yeah! Did you get rid of all the old furniture, or were you going to mix, like, the stuff we had with some newer pieces, like…
SOLANGE: Oh. There’s a table in the kitchen. There are some seats at it.
KAYLEIGH: Cool! And what were you looking to do with this room? The living room?
SOLANGE: Stand in it.
KAYLEIGH: Stand in it?
SOLANGE: That’s what you do in a room, isn’t it? You stand in it. Sometimes you call a bunch of friends over and you all stand in the same room, together. It’s fun.
KAYLEIGH: Wait. This is where — this is where our TV goes. This is where my boyfriend, Julian, sits and plays video games during the day, while I’m in class or out working my part-time job. What did you do with the TV? What did you do with his XBox?
SOLANGE: Oh, right. My sister came by earlier and smashed all that shit up with a baseball bat.
CULTURE WITH MITSKI
MITSKI: Okay, first off, where were you born?
KAYLEIGH: Oh, um, West Covina. Not too far from here.
MITSKI: Nice. And when were you born?
KAYLEIGH: September 9, 1996.
MITSKI: No, like… when were you born? What time?
KAYLEIGH: Oh, I’m not sure.
MITSKI: How the hell am I supposed to make your birth chart if you’re “not sure” when you were born?
KAYLEIGH: Birth chart? Like, Zodiac stuff? Oh, that’s easy. I’m a Virgo!
MITSKI: No, I… I knew that as soon as you walked in the door, Kayleigh. I’m trying to go a little deeper here.
KAYLEIGH: Oh, wait, I remember. I think it was, like, one o’clock in the afternoon?
MITSKI: Was it like one o’clock in the afternoon, or was it one o’clock in the afternoon? So indecisive. I can already tell your Mercury’s in Libra.
KAYLEIGH: I just texted my mom. She says it was 1:12 PM, September 1996.
MITSKI: Great! Thank you. Let me just type this in, and…
KAYLEIGH: What does it say?
MITSKI: Lots of Leo in this chart. Didn’t see that coming. Wow, your Venus is in Leo, and you’re still dating an unemployed 38-year-old who plays Overnite all day.
KAYLEIGH: It’s actually called Overwatch. Or Fortnite. I think.
MITSKI: Oh, Mars in Leo. That explains it. Look, Kayleigh, you have a really strong idealistic streak, and you need to see the best in people, and you’re loyal to a fault. But you need to find someone who deserves that loyalty. And your boyfriend, Jamie —
KAYLEIGH: It’s Jasper, actually.
MITSKI: Right, sorry. Your boyfriend, Jonah, is not worthy of your loyalty, your time, your affection, your passion, your anything. Look, I know this is hard for you, because your Saturn is in Aries and you’re super self-conscious, and you never want to give off that “me first” vibe. But it’s time. Kayleigh, it’s time. Time to dump Jaden. I need you to dig into that tiny sliver of Capricorn in your Neptune, and I need you to dump the fucker.
KAYLEIGH: But I just… I don’t know, it’s so hard, I…
[MITSKI rises from the table, unclips her microphone, and stomps into the next room, where KAYLEIGH’s boyfriend, JACKSON, is sitting on the hardwood floor between two potted plants, playing Civ 5 on his laptop. We zoom in on Kayleigh’s face as we hear faint crashing in the background, and then a volley of pointed insults, and then, at last, what must be the slamming of the front door. At last, Mitski returns to the room, with a baseball bat slung over her shoulder.]
KAYLEIGH: What hap —
MITSKI: Don’t worry about it.
KAYLEIGH: Where’d you get th —
MITSKI: Borrowed it from Solange’s sister. Anyway, are we about done? Joanna’s almost finished making dinner.
KAYLEIGH: Oh, thanks. What’s on the menu?
[JOANNA appears in the doorway, wearing the dress of a fourteenth-century peasant.]
JOANNA: I’m so glad you asked! We’ll start with a round of doucettes a-fourcyd, and a few tourteletes in fryture. Then, a nice, hot puddyng of purpaysse, with some frytours of pasternakes and skirwittes on the side. You know, for dipping! And then, for the main course, I made connynges in cyrip. Wait, are you a vegetarian? Don’t worry; I can whip up some rysshews of fruyt if you are. And then, for dessert, I’ve made some pokerounce, and there’ll be nice, tall, frothy glasses of caudell to go around, too.
KAYLEIGH: Can I just make myself a grilled cheese?
5 thoughts on “Singer-Songwriter Eye for the Sad Girl: A Netflix Original”
god i cant believe this entire article. holy shit. amazing.
on my first read of this, i never actually noticed the constantly changing name of boyfriend dude until Mitski and i don’t know if this is a testament to your writing skills or my lesbian disregard for men
I adore this and I especially adore the jab at Grimes. Looking forward to the sequel in which Janelle Monae and St. Vincent teach Kayleigh how to be a lesbian