The first red flag was printed on the label, three words, tucked small in the bottom right: frozen dairy dessert. I was standing in the ice cream aisle at Loblaw's, and I saw those three words, and I thought, "Huh, that must mean Halo Top doesn't meet the Canadian Food Inspection Agency's legal definition of 'ice … Continue reading Halo Top is a Scam
Chapter 1 It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife. However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first entering a neighbourhood, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the … Continue reading The Full Text of Pride & Prejudice But I Replaced Every Instance of “Darcy” With “Gritty”
Rainn Wilson was born to play Prior Walter.
Friends, homos, countrymen, it is my pleasure to announce that, as of 5:41 PM Eastern Standard Time, The Niche has garnered one million hits. What began as a website for five people has blossomed into something much grander. Friendships have been forged. Graduate degrees have been completed. Romances have bloomed. Hearts have been broken. Pants … Continue reading The Niche: A Website for A Million People
In 1988 after spending two years at El Paso High School, he enrolled in Woodberry Forest School, an all-male boarding school in Madison County, Virginia. When sixteen-year-old Beto O'Rourke arrives at the elite Woodberry Forest School for Boys, he's a complete outsider. Transplanted from El Paso, the social and academic pressure of New England is alien to him. … Continue reading Some Suggestions for Beto O’Rourke Fanfiction, Based on His Truly Ridiculous Wikipedia Page
So, two days ago, and with flagrant disregard for my mental health, John Mulaney posted this picture on Instagram: Until this picture arrived in my life, I'd been pretty ambivalent on John Mulaney. The Delta Airlines bit was funny. The Les Mis sketch with the singing lobster was funnier. But... I mean, really, this isn't … Continue reading Let’s Scroll Through John Mulaney and Annamarie Tendler’s Instagrams While Listening to “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” by The Beach Boys Until We All Have Emotional Breakdowns
Sufjan Stevens is so many people. Compiling this list, and hopping from holiday jams to S&M-club electronica to acoustic musings on death, was a complete and utter joy. Let's get into it! Pace yourself! Please note: This list includes every officially released song which credits Sufjan Stevens as a primary artist. It excludes live recordings, remixes, … Continue reading All 293 Sufjan Stevens Songs, Ranked
Rough time to be alive, huh? I'm writing this on October 7, 2018; Brett Kavanaugh was sworn in yesterday, Brazil looks to be electing a fascist today, and earlier this afternoon, I was lying in bed, ill, and I heard a sick screech of metal on metal, and I stumbled woozily over to my window … Continue reading How to Do a Three-Step Anxiety Inventory and Stop Feeling Like Your Brain is On Fire
Dear [Your Representative's Name Here], My name is [Your Name], and I am a constituent of your district, [Congressional District]. I am writing to express my concerns about the future of the Supreme Court of the United States. Earlier this year, the Court issued a number of distressing opinions. They ruled to uphold a Republican redistricting … Continue reading Let’s Ask Congress to Replace All the Republican Supreme Court Justices With the Little Cartoon Animals From Night in the Woods
Let me paint a picture for you: the summer of 2016, the Ottawa Jazz Festival, a vast expanse of jewel-green grass dotted with retirees in lawn chairs. I go to a lot of shows, but I do not go to a lot of shows targeted at baby boomers, so I had not brought a lawn … Continue reading Hot Take: Encores Are the Fucking Worst
