Bernadette Peters is Immortal and I’ll Prove It

Ever heard of Bernadette Peters? Me too. As we know, she’s got indescribable talent and skill. But do we all know she’s immortal? Are we all on the same page there? And please, I know what you’re thinking: just because she’s more iconic than me doesn’t mean she’s immortal. Actually, yes the fuck it does. Buckle up.


Look at that. Look at her hair. Look at it

So first of all, I think it’s important that we recognize her hair. Her hair is a key part of this whole Thing. It has, over the course of her life, curled in every way possible. You may think that there have been “different” colors involved, but really it’s just one color and it’s called “Bernadette Peters.” You cannot die if you have that hair; it says so in every 10th grade biology textbook and in 23 of the US Constitution’s amendments.But that’s all appearance– this goes deeper. Let’s talk vocals. I cry when she sings, even when I’m driving and merging onto the highway and really should use my eyes for other stuff besides crying. I don’t know anything about singing, but from what I understand she’s good at it. Might be “controversial,” but there it is. You can’t sing that well and that evocatively without transcending mortal standards of life and living.

Have you ever heard her do Rose’s Turn? Yeah. Next.

Bernadette Peters adopts dogs. She encourages others to adopt dogs. So does Mary Tyler Moore, but I’m not here to talk about Mary Tyler Moore. That’ll come in due time.


Immortal. I swear.

Her organization thing, Broadway Barks, has a wordpress. You can theoretically die if you have a wordpress account, but it’s really hard, so that definitely contributes to the immortality thing.

Anyway, just looking at a picture of her with a dog adds ten years onto your own life. Imagine what it’s doing– what it’s already done– to hers.

Back to appearance, just briefly: she has good shoulders. Sounds silly, I know, but you’d be amazed how much vitality can rest in the shoulders alone. I’m not even exaggerating. And tantamount to shoulders are off-the-shoulder dresses, which I think she invented. She may as well have, for how iconic she makes them. It’s impossible to die if you can turn a look like that.


Bernadette “Immortality” Peters turning an off-the-shoulder dress

There’s really something of a je ne sais quoi about the Bernadette Aura. It’s like, I want us to go to Dairy Queen, or to ride around Disneyland in a golf cart sipping iced tea and people-watching. You can do anything you want when you’re with Bernadette Peters, which is just blatantly untrue of mortal people. Her performances make me feel like I can sing on a piano, which I cannot, but that’s the vibe. It’s overwhelming.

This isn’t even close to comprehensive, but as far as we know, Bernadette Peters has been alive forever, so I couldn’t possibly cover it all. If you’ve heard her perform “Time Heals Everything,” you know what I mean. Time does heal everything… especially when you’ve got infinite amounts of it. (Am I right, Bernadette? Am I right?) She’ll outlive us all. We’ll be in our graves and she’ll just be driving a golf cart around Disneyland or whatever. A life indefinite, a life eternal.


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