Five Clickbait Articles I Never Wrote and Their Punchlines Revealed

Every clickbait article I’ve written and that I haven’t written and that anyone has ever written has one conceit that the writer relies on for the entirety of the article. Usually, that punchline can be summed up in a few sentences. This article does exactly that.

1. Every Year the Shamrock Shake Grows Greener and I the More Weary

Punchline: Aliens are a funny green colour in movies and so is the Shamrock Shake. My roommate says I look more and more tired each day. Is that actually because the Shamrock Shake is an alien life force sucking the actual life out of me? No, probably not. But it would be humorous to imagine that for a few paragraphs.

2. Five Depression Foods I Can’t Believe I’m Sharing Publicly but Here We Go

Punchline: Takis Fuego Hot Chili Pepper & Lime Flavored Corn Snacks can erode the stomach lining and cause cancer. Fully aware of this, I crush them up (just a little) and put them in a bowl and cover them in sour cream or greek yogurt and then eat them with a spoon. Other times I eat raw onions on bread. Being sad sure is embarrassing and funny.

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3. Oh, The Lives We Make Up For Ourselves When We’re on Amtrak Trains and Listening to Classical Music

Punchline:  Listening to Philip Glass on the train and watching the sun set in brilliant shades of red and pamplemousse on the Connecticut landscape can make you feel like a middle aged man. He wears a grey suit, works in middle management, and is terribly distant from his children. It can make you feel this way even though you’re a young Middle Eastern woman who has always been a little unsure of what exactly it means to work in “middle management.”

4. Margaret Atwood Quotes that Embody the Uneasy Feeling of Waking Up From a Nap and it’s Dark Outside

Punchline: It’s good to nap but it’s bad to wake up and find that it is no longer daytime as it was when you first went to sleep. It’s good to read Margaret Atwood but it’s bad to be reminded of how much the world hates women. Reading Margaret Atwood is like waking up. I haven’t taken a real nap since I was sixteen. I fell asleep on my book and I woke up to the clocktower in the town playing Swan Lake to signify that it was five o’clock. It was dark outside.

5. Five Times They Say “Into the Woods” in Into The Woods Ranked in Order of How Compelling I Find Its Metaphorical Meaning

Punchline: They say Into the Woods a whole bunch of times.

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