ON THE NEXT…ROBERT POPE LEONARD

Can RPL refrain from quoting Sondheim in his first address to the cardinals? Will Lesbian Bernadette snap under the pressure of wearing a habit in the Italian summer with no AC to speak of? How is Johanna’s post-break up routine going? Find out on the next…Robert Pope Leonard.

Note: For increased comprehension of the RPL universe, check out excerpts from the first season. Other related media can be found here and here.

ON THE NEXT…ROBERT POPE LEONARD:

NARRATOR: RPL overhears Steven talking excitedly about a place called “L’orfanotrofio” and, mistaking it for a rather romantic restaurant in Rome, tries to woo the Catholic Cardinal of his dreams by arranging a quasi-date to said eatery, only to later find out L’orfanotrofio means “orphanage” in Italian.

  • STEVEN: Holy Father is sure about this outing? It is a little unconventional for the Pope to make such a visit but I do find it a charming idea…
  • RPL, brightening: You find it charming?
  • STEVEN: It demonstrates a rare sense of charity.

NARRATOR: Robert was confused by the word choice there but decided Steven’s English was endearing.

  • RPL, slightly confused: I would like…nothing better than to spend an evening with you there. If you wouldn’t mind.
  • STEVEN: The evening? Surely it would be more appropriate to go during the day.
  • RPL: I’ve lived my whole life thinking of what would be appropriate. I know it will seem odd but no one has to know. Unless you don’t want to go? In which case, it’s fine.
  • STEVEN: Uh, no. It’s fine. I will arrange it immediately.

NARRATOR: At no point were these two talking about the same thing.

NARRATOR: Lesbian Bernadette’s brief appreciation of the religious habit as a theatrical costume gives way to deep dissatisfaction when she realizes no one can appreciate the way she physically inhabits a role. Also, it gets hot under there.

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Credit to this blog for the image.

  • LB: Do you know how many directors have told me I can tell a whole story by the way I stand? No one can see that under all this black.
  • RPL: I’m so gone on him…I’ve never felt this way…
  • LB: And the nuns, they aren’t even allowed to sing. Do you understand? These women are being silenced, quite literally.
  • RPL: Do you think he’ll hate me when he finds out? I couldn’t stand it, LB. I’d rather die.
  • LB: We’re unionizing, Bobby.
  • RPL: Say what now?
  • LB: The nuns, Bobby. We’re unionizing. We have demands.
  • RPL: I, uh, don’t think God recognizes collective bargaining rights?

NARRATOR: And CARDINAL #3, furious that the main cast seems way more interested in their own gay drama than engaging with him as a villain, starts to drop increasingly desperate hints.

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NARRATOR: Yeah, it starts to get really dramatic when he gets a drum band to follow him everywhere.

  • RPL: And I have to learn enough Italian to fool the Prime Minister in two weeks? We’re meeting in two weeks???
  • CARDINAL #3, aside: If you make it.
  • RPL: What?
  • CARDINAL #3: Nothing. I said, “You can fake it!”
  •  CARDINAL #1: Right. And there’s the publicity shoot next week, which should go smoothly unless someone really messes up the scheduling.
  • CARDINAL #3: Yes, unless someone does that.
  • RPL: Yeah, I just hope I don’t embarrass myself in my first address…
  • CARDINAL #3: Oh, absolutely, we wouldn’t want that.
  • LB: Hey, like. Are you aware that you do that? The ominous thing you do?
  • CARDINAL #3: I beg your pardon?
  • LB: Yeah, the way you repeat things that people say in a sinister tone. Like it could totally be a lost in translation thing but you gotta stop. It reminds me of doing Richard III in high school, okay?

NARRATOR: After dating New York royalty for ten years, Johanna decides to get back to her down-to-earth roots and joins a non-hierarchical farming collective in North Carolina. Only to realize that she has turned into the people she pretended to despise for so long.

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NARRATOR: She did not think this one through.

  • JOHANNA: No!!! No more baking soda deodorant. I want to take a real shower. I want Amazon NOW. I want steak.
  • JACKIE: Don’t say that, Jo. You’re better than that.
  • JOHANNA: I’m not!!! I’m not better than steak!!! I was a fool for ever thinking I was better than steak!!!
  • TOM: Where are you going? Where the fuck you running to?
  • JOHANNA: I’m hitchhiking back to New York!
  • JACKIE: Come back!! There’s nothing for miles.
  • JOHANNA: I’ll get an uber if I have to. Goodbye, farm people. I have cherished our times together but now I must cherish the sweet embrace of sheets that aren’t made from hemp.

AND THAT’S: NEXT TIME ON ROBERT POPE LEONARD

 

 

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