Can RPL refrain from quoting Sondheim in his first address to the cardinals? Will Lesbian Bernadette snap under the pressure of wearing a habit in the Italian summer with no AC to speak of? How is Johanna’s post-break up routine going? Find out on the next…Robert Pope Leonard.
ON THE NEXT…ROBERT POPE LEONARD:
NARRATOR: RPL overhears Steven talking excitedly about a place called “L’orfanotrofio” and, mistaking it for a rather romantic restaurant in Rome, tries to woo the Catholic Cardinal of his dreams by arranging a quasi-date to said eatery, only to later find out L’orfanotrofio means “orphanage” in Italian.
- STEVEN: Holy Father is sure about this outing? It is a little unconventional for the Pope to make such a visit but I do find it a charming idea…
- RPL, brightening: You find it charming?
- STEVEN: It demonstrates a rare sense of charity.
NARRATOR: Robert was confused by the word choice there but decided Steven’s English was endearing.
- RPL, slightly confused: I would like…nothing better than to spend an evening with you there. If you wouldn’t mind.
- STEVEN: The evening? Surely it would be more appropriate to go during the day.
- RPL: I’ve lived my whole life thinking of what would be appropriate. I know it will seem odd but no one has to know. Unless you don’t want to go? In which case, it’s fine.
- STEVEN: Uh, no. It’s fine. I will arrange it immediately.
NARRATOR: At no point were these two talking about the same thing.
NARRATOR: Lesbian Bernadette’s brief appreciation of the religious habit as a theatrical costume gives way to deep dissatisfaction when she realizes no one can appreciate the way she physically inhabits a role. Also, it gets hot under there.
- LB: Do you know how many directors have told me I can tell a whole story by the way I stand? No one can see that under all this black.
- RPL: I’m so gone on him…I’ve never felt this way…
- LB: And the nuns, they aren’t even allowed to sing. Do you understand? These women are being silenced, quite literally.
- RPL: Do you think he’ll hate me when he finds out? I couldn’t stand it, LB. I’d rather die.
- LB: We’re unionizing, Bobby.
- RPL: Say what now?
- LB: The nuns, Bobby. We’re unionizing. We have demands.
- RPL: I, uh, don’t think God recognizes collective bargaining rights?
NARRATOR: And CARDINAL #3, furious that the main cast seems way more interested in their own gay drama than engaging with him as a villain, starts to drop increasingly desperate hints.
- RPL: And I have to learn enough Italian to fool the Prime Minister in two weeks? We’re meeting in two weeks???
- CARDINAL #3, aside: If you make it.
- RPL: What?
- CARDINAL #3: Nothing. I said, “You can fake it!”
- CARDINAL #1: Right. And there’s the publicity shoot next week, which should go smoothly unless someone really messes up the scheduling.
- CARDINAL #3: Yes, unless someone does that.
- RPL: Yeah, I just hope I don’t embarrass myself in my first address…
- CARDINAL #3: Oh, absolutely, we wouldn’t want that.
- LB: Hey, like. Are you aware that you do that? The ominous thing you do?
- CARDINAL #3: I beg your pardon?
- LB: Yeah, the way you repeat things that people say in a sinister tone. Like it could totally be a lost in translation thing but you gotta stop. It reminds me of doing Richard III in high school, okay?
NARRATOR: After dating New York royalty for ten years, Johanna decides to get back to her down-to-earth roots and joins a non-hierarchical farming collective in North Carolina. Only to realize that she has turned into the people she pretended to despise for so long.
- JOHANNA: No!!! No more baking soda deodorant. I want to take a real shower. I want Amazon NOW. I want steak.
- JACKIE: Don’t say that, Jo. You’re better than that.
- JOHANNA: I’m not!!! I’m not better than steak!!! I was a fool for ever thinking I was better than steak!!!
- TOM: Where are you going? Where the fuck you running to?
- JOHANNA: I’m hitchhiking back to New York!
- JACKIE: Come back!! There’s nothing for miles.
- JOHANNA: I’ll get an uber if I have to. Goodbye, farm people. I have cherished our times together but now I must cherish the sweet embrace of sheets that aren’t made from hemp.
AND THAT’S: NEXT TIME ON ROBERT POPE LEONARD