Two Monks Invent Robert Pope Leonard

PART I

  • MONK #1: does the pope like to travel
  • MONK #2: not at all
  • he is like a tarantula
  • pay attention
  • but he sings a lot. has a gay boyfriend
  • MONK #1: he sings? is that a huge component of being pope?
  • MONK #2: oh yeah the main part
  • playing judas on broadway
  • and being gay. that’s the two big things of being the pope
  • anything else?
  • MONK #1: the nuns are they religious
  • or just lesbian bernadette peters
  • dressed as a nun?
  • MONK #2: the second one makes sense

PART II

  • MONK #1: hey does the pope wear a long red dress for praying or for hiding that he’s getting gay blowjobs?
  • MONK #2: blowjobs
  • MONK #1: right and does he pray at all or–
  • MONK #2: mainly hide his gay actor identity from the staff at the vatican and fall in love? haha yeah
  • MONK #1: okay
  •   so he’s not very religious?
  • MONK #2: oh like,
  •   he’s kind of an atheist but into his jewish identity
  •   like reform jewish, that whole vibe
  • MONK #1: hahha this is so embarrassing
  • MONK #2: what?
  • MONK #1: i like totally thought he was catholic
  •   just like a totally uncalled for assumption on my part
  • MONK #2: hahaha yeah ok i can totally see why you’d think that
  •   but he’s jewish for sure

PART III

  • MONK #2: so how’s the gay pope thing going
  • MONK #1: too many people get it
  •   like 10 people. sometimes 12 even.
  • MONK #2: oh yikes
  •   things are only good when they’re understood by 5 people
  • MONK #1: …not even 6?
  • MONK #2: hahah you’re so cute
  •   no that would be terrible, just only ever 5
  • MONK #1: phew that’s good to know
  •   so stuff about cherry coke zero and kangaroos? is there stuff like that in being the pope?
  • MONK #2: hahah no omg not at all
  •   that’s a common misconception tho, about pope stuff
  • MONK #1: wow
  •   good thing you’re here
  • MONK #2: yeah no prob, being pope is just about normal things like being tired and loving a man named steven
  •   oh and not laughing at stuff
  •   never doing that
  •   only sometimes at lines from young frankenstein
  • MONK #1: right like stuff for 5 people
  • MONK #2: yeah it’s all about stuff for 5 people

Disclaimer: this post was inspired by the late, fantastic the-toast.net.

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