Peyton Thomases, Ranked

I’ve set the header image on this post to Thomas the Tank Engine, as he is the most culturally iconic Thomas I can presently think of. Let’s roll.

8. Andrew Peyton Thomas

Andrew Peyton Thomas is not even a true Peyton Thomas, but when you search “peyton thomas author” on Google, he pops up quite a bit, so I am including him on this list. Thomas graduated from Elle Woods’ alma mater, Harvard Law School, which is cool. He wrote a book about Harvard Law entitled, “The People V. Harvard Law: How America’s Oldest Law School Turned its Back on Free Speech,” which is extremely funny. His other work includes a biography of Clarence Thomas and a 1994 volume entitled “Crime and the Sacking of America: The Roots of Chaos.” Given all this, I feel comfortable ranking him lowest on this list of Peyton Thomases.

He is not to be confused with Andrew Peyton Thomas, the former attorney of Maricopa County who was disbarred in 2012 after a three-member panel appointed by the Supreme Court of Arizona issued a 247-page opinion declaring that he had “outrageously exploited power, flagrantly fostered fear, and disgracefully misused the law,” despite the fact that the two of them look like this:

Oh, no, sorry — this is actually the same guy. My apologies. Wow. I was so focused on the “disbarment” and “worked with Joe Arpaio” sections of his Wikipedia page that I didn’t notice the “went to Harvard” and “wrote books about free speech and Clarence Thomas” parts. This was a real ride.

7. Thomas Peyton

Thomas Peyton was an English poet born in 1595 to father Thomas Peyton. He is not a true Peyton Thomas, but it hardly feels right to exclude a Thomas Peyton, so he is here for posterity. This is the second stanza of his poem “The Translation of Enoch.”

The angels bright, and all the powers diuine,
Before thy face in glittring robes do shine,
Their number more than are the stars and sands,
With golden censors in their pure white hands,
Winged with Fame to mount the highest heauens,
Kanck’t all in order, mustring iust by seauens,
Descending sweetely on thy louely brest,
To bring both soule and body to their rest.

Moving stuff!

6. Peyton Thomas Ganus

Peyton Thomas Ganus owns and operates These Three, a fashion boutique with nearly 400,000 followers on Instagram. She is married to a former linebacker for the Minnesota Vikings. She also has nearly 400,000 followers on her separate, personal Instagram, where she and all of her friends sport impeccably blown-out Influencer Hair. Her whole aesthetic is very Christian Girl Autumn. I mean, she’s just killin’ the game.

5. Peyton Thomas

The first true Peyton Thomas on this list, and also its author, is a transmasc who writes things, like album reviews for Pitchfork. One time a guy tweeted at Pitchfork like, “Where are the reviews of the new Mark Ronson and Raconteurs albums? It’s been days! What the hell? Why aren’t you reviewing this great music?” The answer to this inquiry was literally, “Peyton is on new anti-depressants and is just trying to get through the goddamn day, man.” Happily, the meds worked, and Peyton did eventually finish the reviews. Mark Ronson liked his. Jack White did not. Peyton’s debut novel Both Sides Now is coming out next year and Peyton is procrastinating on revising it by writing this article.

4. Peyton Thomas

Peyton Thomas is a retired adult film actress. I will not begrudge Peyton for putting Google-using potential employers off my resumé, both because my online activities (editing Star Wars fanvideos set to Lana Del Rey songs, publishing It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia fanfiction set in the world of 1950s municipal politics, polling my Twitter followers on whether they think I can finish reading Infinite Jest before Trump dies of COVID-19, &c.) are objectively way more embarrassing than hers, and because I would never disparage a sex worker. Sex worker rights!

3. Peyton Thomas

Peyton Thomas is an incredibly skilled 3D artist based in Austin, Texas. You should check out his portfolio. My favourite piece is the English Country House, but the Rebel A-Wing is just bananas, it’s so lifelike. Or spaceshiplike, I guess. He’s very talented, this Peyton Thomas.

2. Peyton Thomas

Peyton Thomas is a sixteen-year-old from Pittsburgh who, unlike every other sixteen-year-old in human history, looked at a global pandemic and said, “Hey, this would be a great time for me to launch a business and sell gourmet baked goods out of my home.” What a star! What an icon! She’s already been profiled in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, beneath the headline, “Success is already baked into Peyton Thomas’ future.” I am looking at the photos on the Instagram for her bakery, Peytie Cake, and I am weeping. Macarons topped with Lucky Charms! Strawberry cupcakes topped with chocolate-covered strawberries! A chocolate cake layered with rings of chocolate buttercream and ganache and decorated with a chocolate drizzle! I do not live in Pittsburgh, but if I did, I would avail myself of this handy online order form and just stuff my face.

1. Peyton Thomas

Man, sometimes you go through life thinking you are a pretty good Peyton Thomas, as Peyton Thomases go, and then you learn of another Peyton Thomas who is getting her PhD in marine biology while also being a marathon runner who qualified for the 2020 Olympic Trials after only her first marathon ever, all at the age of only 24. And you are like, okay! She wins! She absolutely wins! She recently appeared on the running podcast Running on Om to talk about being an icon, a legend, and a truly exceptional Peyton Thomas.

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