Boris Pavlikovsky Asks for Love Advice on r/relationships

Best friend (26M) is mad at me (26M) because I steal his picture and make him to commit murder. How do I fix? (X-posted to r/legaladvice)

By u/Cheburashka42069

Hello reddit. I write this on throw away account so police cannot trace back to me. When I was very little, like fifteen, I have best friend, I call him Leo, who I see all the time. We watch movies and smoke weed, we drop acid on playground, we steal things at mall, all of that. My dad is bastard so I stay with Leo and his dad and dad’s girlfriend most of time. Almost like brother, but for me and Leo very often have sex. (Did not mean anything of course, just that we were bored, I had girlfriend back then and I have wife now.) Very good friends who sometimes give handjob and that is all.

Anyway Leo’s mother die before I meet him. I do not want to give away too many detail in case police are here so I will say just that she have accident in museum where Leo was also, and Leo took painting from museum during accident. Again I will not say which museum or which painting in case police are online. But he take this painting when he come to live with his dad and dad’s girlfriend and one night when we are drunk and watch James Bond he brings me up to his room, to finally try anal I am hoping, but no, actually to show me picture. Is very little picture but still he explains is worth very much money. Now you should know also that Leo’s dad is mixed up in crimes. Man with baseball bat come to front door and ask for money two times. Baseball bat is just for show of course but is still not best place for picture worth so much I do not think. So makes sense that picture is not safe at Leo’s house. I replace picture with civics workbook I never read anyway and I take picture to my own house, where is safe.

THEN Leo’s dad die in car accident, we think because he is trying to escape from baseball bat man. He was drinking all night and big truck make him flat like pancake. Very very sad. So we steal all of drugs (pills mostly but cocane also) and money from Leo’s dad’s girlfriend and Leo is saying we should run away but here is thing, I do not want to get deported, and am worried that if I am on bus or plane with stolen picture and cocane, they send me back to Ukraine where I am eating garbage off streets. So I ask Leo if we cannot wait a day or two to plan and he says no, is leaving tonight. What can I do? He calls cab, I kiss him on mouth (just no tongue so is not gay), and he leaves on bus. I do not have phone so cannot text him or anything, do not hear from him for long time.

I sell coke at high school until all jocks are in rehab. Leave school and start to travel around, many places. Go to Europe for a while and marry daughter of Nazi. Ask her to get abortion but she will not listen so have two kids. Still doing some selling drugs and I use painting as collateral, like in loan, but then feds figure it out and I have to leave country. Haters say is unrealistic, but I say is just like Oliver Twist, no?

Finally run into Leo on street one day and is so good to see him. We go back to his house, I say hello to his little dog, then we do cocane all night. I tell him he is only boy I have been in bed with ever and he has look of fright on face so I tell him quickly it does not mean anything to me and probably means more to him actually, so he will not be angry. While we are very high I tell him I have his picture. He is freaking out and I am starting to feel guilty so I make up with plan to get picture back. But since I use it in many deals and it move around a lot, do not have exact place of picture.

Finally figure it out, is in Amsterdam. I go to Leo at his engagement party and I tell him we get on plane now to get picture back. We go to Amsterdam on plane same night. Leo is all baby about me having gun but I tell him relax, we are not going to use gun, only talk. But for when we meet guys with picture, only two of them and four of us (me and Leo and two very big strong men) so I make friend pistol whip one guy and other friend put other guy in chokehold. We steal picture and run. Very convenient, we save a lot of money.

But when we get back to parking garage we see scary goons . One shoots me and Leo shoots one. We get away in car but they manage to take picture. Very annoying of course but bullet only graze me and no way police can trace murder back to us. So I tell Leo go back to hotel room while I think of plan to get picture back.

Few days have gone by now and he does not reply to my text. Is mad at me I think. Or maybe phone is off? Either way am feeling like Petrushka the fool. Need to get picture back of course but might die. Also do not want to go to jail or make Leo go to jail. What is best way to fix this? Also if I kiss him again would he be mad do you think? He has fiancee but I do not think they like each other very much. Also he has crush on little red hair girl from when we were small but I do not think she like him back. Pls respond.

7 thoughts on “Boris Pavlikovsky Asks for Love Advice on r/relationships

  1. flora says:

    me just repeating ‘yeah!’ at increasing volumes as i read this. think you show a thorough and true appreciation of miss tartt’s work

    Like

  2. what's funnier: comedy w context or comedy w/out it says:

    the other comments all mention goldfinch & i have absolutely no clue what that is, however, this is gold. (pun intended).

    Like

  3. Dusan V. says:

    SPOILERS FOR THE END OF THE GOLDFINCH DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE SPOILED OR CANNOT BE SPOILED ANYMORE

    OK

    REMEMBER, SPOILERS IMPENDING!

    OK HERE WE GO

    Let’s see how Boris describes coming to the idea of calling “the art cops”:

    “You gave me the idea yourself. I don’t think you knew how great it was! Genius! I wish had thought of it myself. ‘Call the art cops, call the art cops.’ Well—crazy! So I thought at the time. You’re a bit nuts on this subject to be perfectly honest. Only then—” he shrugged—“unfortunate events took course, as you only too well know, and after we parted on the bridge I spoke to Cherry, what to do, what to do, wringing our hands a bit, and we did a little nosing around, and—” lifting his glass to me—“well in fact, a genius idea! Why should I doubt you? Ever? You are the brains of all this from the start! While I am in Alaska—walking five miles to petrol station to steal a Nestlé bar—well, look at you. Mastermind! Why should I ever doubt you? Because—I look into it, and—” throwing up his arms—“you were right. Who would have thought? Over million dollars for your picture out there in reward money! Not even picture! Information leading to recovery of picture! No questions asked! Cash, free and clear—!”

    “We did a little nosing around”, Boris says. Nosing around where? But of course, Reddit. You solved it, Peyton. Congratulations. This is canon. You have made an original contribution to the humanities.

    Like

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