I’ve been devoting a good amount of headspace recently to mid-20th century beloved gay icon William Shatner, most notable for his kind, liquid eyes and for recording the audiobook version of his book Spirit of the Horse: A Celebration in Fact and Fable in 2016. Shatner is compelling enough to think on just as an abstract concept–obviously. Specifically, however, he’s really kicked the quality of my fantasy-life stand-up comedy special up a notch: My routine is basically all about him now. This post is a collection of thirty-two very funny jokes I would like to tell about Shatner. Given that these jokes could be very easily defined as low-hanging fruit, I’m electing to post only the set-ups and leave the punchlines to you to guess. If you think you have the right one*, you have full permission to tell the joke at a party and not tell anyone it was a collaborative effort. Unless William Shatner is there listening. Then you can do whatever. It’s his world, and we just live in it.

1. Who had a harder time during the early 1970s: Richard Nixon or William Shatner?
2. How old is William Shatner?
3. What’s the difference between a twink and a twunk?
4. How many male authors does it take to change a lightbulb?
5. Hey, what’s the second age listed below your real one on this resume?
6. Do you think that girl is a lesbian?
7. What do William Finn and William Shatner have in common?
8. What do a lawyer and a starship captain have in common?
9. Have you gotten the new app that tracks your Pon Farr cycle?
10. How many different ways did William Shakespeare sign his name?
11. How does William Shatner answer his fanmail?
12. Why didn’t William Shatner want to be in the Star Trek reboot?
13. Why didn’t William Shatner want to be on The Big Bang Theory?
14. Would you have sex with your clone?
15. • at a friend’s house
    • check out his library
    • literally only one piece of spoken word poetry
16. Who started the #freethenipple movement?
17. Dad?
18. How is NASA doing today?
19. Didn’t you swear you would never watch Supernatural again?
20. Why has democracy succeeded in America?
21. You know what your problem is, Louis?
22. Why doesn’t William Shatner have a middle name?
23. Why do you have that picture of William Shatner hanging on the wall of your winery?
24. Why did the lesbian get kicked out of the karaoke bar?
25. Why did William Shatner sue the American rock band KISS?
26. 
27. [Accountant working for Star Trek, circa 1967:]
    • Vulcan ears $10/episode
    • Extra airtime for Kirk and Spock to gaze at each other $40/episode
    • Tiny model of the Enterprise: $15/episode
    • New shirts for William Shatner: $3000/episode
28. What happened to Evil Kirk after he went back to his own dimension?
29. Is that William Shatner?
30. Is that A.E. Housman without his mustache?
31. Is that Chris Pine?
32. Can men be feminists?

*You will be able to tell if you have come up with the correct punchline because it will be very funny.