Greetings Niche Nation, and welcome back to our ongoing quiz series/hyperfixation dumping ground. Once again, we’re here to test your wits and ask the question on everyone’s mind: is this a quote from that one gay play we’re all weirdly obsessed with, Angels in America, or from Emmy Award winning satirical series The Colbert Report? Confused? Keep it to yourself. Confusion is for people without clout.
[Answers are listed below. Original emphasis has been removed where it would make things too easy on you.]
1. I am the Bird of America, the Bald Eagle!
2. Affirmative action? Take it to court. Boom! Land mine.
3. In my church we don’t believe in homosexuals.
4. Yeah, tragedy. Tragedy all because you didn’t care enough to make a difference for yourself.
5. If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.6. If you want to look at the heart of modern conservatism, you look at me. Everyone else has abandoned the struggle, everything nowadays is just sipping tea with Nixon and Mao.
7. American heart all hot for Truth.
8. The President’s on your side, sir! You should be on his!
9. My wrath is as fearsome as my countenance is splendid.
10. But when you decide to have had a difficult childhood, that… that’s really owning your past. And in a fundamentally refreshing way, taking responsibility for it. It’s so rare these days. Besides, taking liberties with the truth is an American tradition.
11. Reality has become a commodity.
12. SUBMIT, SUBMIT TO THE WILL OF HEAVEN!
13. You are MINE! I will see you in HELL!
14. We are a divided nation. Not between Democrats or Republicans, or conservatives and liberals, or tops and bottoms.
15. Look, they tried your idea in Russia. Minimum wage is just line item Communism! All right? The government is controlling the economy.
16. That paper is so slanted, the words roll off the page. It makes it hard to read.
17. The more appalling I find your politics the more I want to hump you.
18. Sometimes it takes a crazy person to see the truth. If so, I’m a freaking lunatic.
19. Justice is simple. Democracy is simple.
20. The great question before us is: Are we doomed?
21. Sometimes a father’s love has to be very, very hard, unfair even, cold to make his son grow strong in a world like this.
22. But you are also the biggest threat of all…You are a gay person I like. Your threat is that you make being gay seem non-threatening.
23. Has he really gotten that advanced? Oh splendor, it all coheres! It doesn’t have to make sense to my head or my gut!
24. Imagination is a dangerous thing.
25. Strike up the klezmer and start acting like a man! You’re about to have a Truth Mitzvah.26. Catholics believe in forgiveness. Jews believe in guilt.
27. You’re in a hospital, you don’t have any constitutional rights.
28. Sure they may be old and sick, but as Jesus said, “Walk it off.”
29. Cats are stupid, high-strung predators. Babylonians sealed them up in bricks. Dogs have brains.
30. Isn’t an agnostic just an atheist without balls?
31. Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.
32. Would you say you are a typical homosexual?
33. Ignorance is bliss. Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.
34. America has rediscovered itself. Its sacred position among nations. And people aren’t ashamed of that like they used to be. This is a great thing. The truth restored.
35. I want more lives.
Answers: 1: Angels in America, 2: Angels in America, 3: Angels in America, 4: The Colbert Report, 5: The Colbert Report, 6: Angels in America, 7: Angels in America, 8: The Colbert Report, 9: Angels in America, 10: The Colbert Report, 11: The Colbert Report, 12: Angels in America, 13: The Colbert Report, 14: The Colbert Report, 15: The Colbert Report, 16: The Colbert Report, 17: Angels in America, 18: The Colbert Report, 19: Angels in America, 20: Angels in America, 21: Angels in America, 22: The Colbert Report, 23: The Colbert Report, 24: Angels in America, 25: The Colbert Report, 26: Angels in America, 27: Angels in America, 28: The Colbert Report, 29: Angels in America, 30: The Colbert Report, 31: The Colbert Report, 32: Angels in America, 33: The Colbert Report, 34: Angels in America, 35: The Colbert Report
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Bless Me Anyway. I Want More Lives