When I heard Россия-1 was adapting House MD, my primary question was simple: why? Who watched House– colloquially known as Hate Crimes MD– and decided that more people needed to experience it? Using my extremely limited knowledge of Russian and world-renowned video website “youtube,” I decided to get all the answers for myself.

I’m 97% sure this isn’t Hugh Laurie.

I left the only video I found of Доктор Рихтер with more questions than answers. For example:

• Is this a series or a movie? What’s happening? Everyone in the comments is pissed about the form and I can’t tell why?
• Are Russian Cameron and Russian Foreman in love? Or is that just some random guy?
• Where’s all the medical stuff? I didn’t see a single human organ and I was not subjected to a lumbar puncture?
• Who are the guys walking around in hard hats? Is this actually an architecture show and I didn’t realize it?
• How did they find someone older than Hugh Laurie, who
  

  Pretty sure this is Russian Wilson (NOT THAT I’D KNOW FROM THE SHOW)!

  is factually the oldest man alive?

• Wait I just realized… is that two different guys in love with Russian Cameron?
• Why is the only constant in House MD “People Being In Love With Cameron”?
• Where the living hell is Russian Wilson? Is he even in this show? Did they forget him? Sometimes people forget him because they’re straight and/or get caught up in the visual depictions of failing human intestines.
• Whose mom is that?

To make up for the flurry of confusion those questions may have caused, here are some fun facts I learned!

• They start almost every sentence by saying слушай! which seems to mean “listen,” and sounds like “slushie” with a Russian accent!
• Russian doctors, or at least Russian Cameron, wear fun outfits! She had a cool hat for at least five minutes.
• Clubbing in Russia looks fun but intense, and they all had high ponytails!
• TOO MANY MEN ARE IN LOVE WITH CAMERON ALL THE TIME! SHE CAN BE GAY, YOU KNOW!
• One of the guys in love with Cameron is named Артём (Artyom) and I still don’t know if he’s like, a doctor or not! Is anyone on this show a doctor? Who knows! Who cares!
• The only medical thing that happened in this episode was Doctor Richter looked at Cameron Love Interest #1’s resume and said, “not bad.”

I don’t recognize this from the show. Why he mad

Finally, because I really do have a limited comprehension of what went down here, I turned to the youtube commenters to give voice to their opinions. As it happens, many of their feelings about Russian House MD echoed mine about American House MD! Here are a few standout examples (translated to English courtesy of Google Translate):

• • “I thought the Russian TV reached the bottom, but suddenly a knock came from below ….” / “я думал российское тв достигло дна, но снизу вдруг постучали….”
  • “It’s cool, but it’s not Doctor House.” / “Прикольно, но эт не доктор хаус.”
  • “Fuck me with a shovel….. Sew my eyelids…” / “Ебать меня лопатой блять…. Зашейте мне веки…”
  • “What was it?(“ / “Что енто было ?(“
  • “nacher you crap legendary series? what is this dull hopeless fucking thing? [remainder of comment redacted]” / “нахера вы обосрали легендарный сериал? что это за унылый беспросветный пиздец? [remainder of comment redacted]”

Thank you for joining me in my foray into Russian television. I have confirmed that I don’t know how TV works over there, but I’m pretty sure Доктор Рихтер is a serial after all. Turns out Russian audiences are subject to a different kind of hate crime, and there aren’t a lot of exposed intestines involved. If anyone knows who the guys in hard hats are, please let me know ASAP. пока!