Here is a list of things I enjoy in fiction:

• strong friendships
• eighties fashion
• underdogs and outcasts banding together
• funny child actors
• friends riding bikes in the suburbs
• that thing of where there are two kids who are bestest best friends in childhood and then the story is structured in such a way as to allow us to witness the next several decades of their lives, during which time they grow up and have dissatisfactory straight relationships and fight each other about this straightness before realizing that they have, in fact, been in love forever and ever and ever, and they tell each other about this and get married and get a one bedroom and a dog, or they DON’T tell each other about this because they assume there’s no way the other person could feel the same way, and then it just becomes a multi-decade slow burn, until finally, FINALLY, one person is like, “I love you, dumbass! I’ve loved you since you ate crayons!” and THEN they get married, and they become music and drama teachers at the same school, and they adopt children

Here is a list of things I do not enjoy in fiction:

• blood
• gore
• horror
• death
• murderous clowns who prey on innocent small children and terrorize, torture, and murder these innocent small children in increasingly violent and disturbing ways based on each particular innocent small child’s deepest, darkest fears and traumas

So, like, It is not fucking happening for me. Which is super unfortunate, because there is nothing I love more than a good bit of Gay Hell. Such as:

And naturally, all my mutuals who have fallen down this particular rabbit hole are only reblogging the cute, fun, gay stuff, and dissecting the gay subtext of the original Stephen King novel, and they never even mention the scary clown murder shit. So I keep thinking, “Oh, man, I’ve gotta see…” and then I remember that It is not, in fact, the tale of gay children who ride around on bikes getting into cute mischief, and then grow up to be gay married adults who teach drama and music at a small public school in rural Maine.

But you can see how I’d be confused, right? I mean, look at this shit:

Like, right? They’re gay and they’re fine arts teachers.

Anyway, It is just going to have to join the pantheon of media I’ve never consumed except through gifs on my dashboard, which allows me to pretend said media is gay. This is how I got into Allison and Lydia from Teen Wolf, Sansa and Margaery from Game of Thrones, Steve and Bucky from Captain America, and too many others to name. Such is life.