I Went Ahead and Wrote A Spider-Man Movie Where Peter Parker is Bisexual Because Life is Short and God Knows Nobody Else Was Going to Do It

Here’s the screenplay, if you want to skip the preamble.

Did you know that Andrew Garfield, the inventor of acting, once proposed a Spider-Man movie in which Peter Parker would be bisexual and Michael B. Jordan would play MJ? Did you know that he proposed this more than once?

Did you know that Sony and Marvel allegedly inked a legal licensing agreement in 2011 which contractually obligated all parties involved to portray Peter Parker as straight and white?

No? You didn’t know all that? Well, you do now. Welcome to my own personal hell. Andrew Garfield tried to deliver a bisexual Spider-Man unto us, and Sony and Marvel successfully conspired to screw us out of it.

Until a couple of weeks ago, I’d just resigned myself to the fact that we would never see the immaculate truth of a bisexual Peter Parker on the silver screen.

But then I was like, wait. I may not have the resources of a Hollywood film production studio. But I do have a word processor, a beating heart, and too much time on my hands.

So I just… went ahead and wrote a whole-ass, feature-length Spider-Man movie. Like, not a parody. Not a joke. A dead serious Spider-Man movie with a real plot and shit. In twelve days. OCPD be like that sometimes. In the words of Aubrey Drake Graham:

I ain’t gotta do it
But fuck it, somebody gotta do it
Hate if someone else did it
Fuck, I may as well do it

So here it is, world.

Here’s the screenplay for The Amazing Spider-Man 3: A Gay Fantasia on Superheroic Themes.

And here’s the soundtrack on Spotify, because I am nothing if not thorough.

Featured songs include:

  1. New York, I Love You But You’re Bringing Me Down by LCD Soundsystem
  2. The Only Living Boy in New York by Simon & Garfunkel
  3. New York by the Sex Pistols; warning for slurs.
  4. There’s A Boat That’s Leaving Soon for New York by Miles Davis
  5. New York by U2
  6. I Guess the Lord Must Be in New York City by Harry Nilsson
  7. Piazza, New York Catcher by Belle & Sebastian
  8. New York City Cops by the Strokes
  9. NYC’s Like A Graveyard by the Moldy Peaches; warning for slurs.
  10. New York City Serenade by Bruce Springsteen
  11. I Can’t See New York by Tori Amos
  12. New York by St. Vincent
  13. Welcome to New York by Ryan Adams

Let the healing begin.

38 thoughts on “I Went Ahead and Wrote A Spider-Man Movie Where Peter Parker is Bisexual Because Life is Short and God Knows Nobody Else Was Going to Do It

  1. ht says:

    i dont know a single thing about spiderman, my last interaction with it was watching the 2004 movie with tobey maguire my freshman year of high school, but this was more compelling and emotional than every superhero movie i’ve ever seen combined

    Like

  2. Callum says:

    Ohhhhmygoood I just read the whole thing in one go. It’s amazing. You’re amazing. I loved every scene, every word. I could SEE it the whole time. You are incredibly talented and It was a privelage to get to read this. I cant wait to see the works you produce in the future. . . And I’m just so very sad that sony and marvel didnt let some version of a bi peter happen. . THIS is what cinema has the potential to be and its so tragic Hollywood isnt brave enough. The real difference they could make I hate to but the ‘with great power comes great responsibility’ applies. They have the power to really change things for so many people and the way they are seen, the way they see themselves. And they just wont. For fear of losing money. And its disgusting and sad and cruel. . I just hope Andrew Garfield sees this. Its so beautiful and I hope and bet it is everything he’d have wanted for the amazing Spider-Man three

    Like

  3. marspe says:

    so like: i found this through a mutual of mine. i don’t go here. and apparently this is a “niche” blog so maybe this is more fun for your followers and i’m only getting a fraction of The Experience with this script but objectively, ignoring the love i have for andrew garfield, and michael b. jordan, and hapless teenage superheroes who are trying to navigate all of life’s mysteries while saving the world on top of that… objectively, this is really good. like REALLY goddamned good. so clearly written with love and care and sensitivity and i am absolutely just… blown away? you literally transformed the spider-man canon. fuck the rest of the mcu. i respect you.

    Like

  4. A shook gay says:

    Omfg I love this blog and I really hope Andrew garlfield reads this because it is fire and he’d totally enjoy it. I really adore the effort you put into this. It was something the universe needed.

    Like

  5. Guest says:

    Duuuude this is so good!!! I could see it in my head so clearly, you have a great eye for cinematography. I know almost nothing abt Spider-Man but now I’m sad that this isn’t the actual movie. Perfect balance of humor, drama, and the process of working through grief.

    Like

  6. jack says:

    I hope other readers have the soundtrack playing along as they read… Absolutely amazing. There was more than once that the songs transitioned at the right time in the script, which is probably more to do with my reading pace, but still. Absolutely incredible.

    Andrew Garfield would be so proud.

    Like

  7. Jenna says:

    this is so good, I’m low-key angry about it. why aren’t they producing this? Good work! if you ever kickstart and don’t get sued by disney, let me know 🙂

    Like

  8. Adalia says:

    AHHHHHH?????? THAT WAS SO GOOD HOW DID YOU MAKE ANDREW GARFIELD SPIDERMAN SO PERFECTLY IN CHARACTER????? I LOVE THIS AND I WISH I LIVED IN THE ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE WE GOT IT INSTEAD OF HOMECOMING!!!

    Like

  9. Cloud says:

    SO EXCITED TO READ, thank you thank you thank you!!

    (The playlist is also incredible; can I make a suggestion of a song – Vienna Teng’s “Goodnight New York”? )

    Like

  10. Shannon says:

    Bi Spiderman is honestly a dream come true, so perfect an in character, I could visualize it so clearly! Coupled with the soundtrack especially this was really amazing and I wanted to thank you so much for writing it! ♥♥♥

    Like

  11. marilyn says:

    Holy shit this is amazing!!!!!!!! YOUR PLAYLIST TOO like. 3 of my favorite songs are on there ❤ you are a public servant of the highest order like… thank you SO

    Like

  12. Vivian Norbury says:

    Wow!!! I’m a little late to the party, but WOW! i just read this in one sitting and i want more than anything to see this as an actual movie. TBH just having Peter be bi and Jewish was enough to win me over, and you also had a great portrayal of grief! And showed police brutality! And this was all just A Lot and I loved it. Bless you for writing this.

    Like

    • Vivian Norbury says:

      *had great commentary on police brutality

      I would like to add that I hope Andrew Garfield reads this screenplay. If he does, I imagine he’d cry happy tears and cherish it.

      Like

  13. Michella says:

    This was AMAZING! (no pun intended) THANK YOU for writing this. This is the kind of “mainstream” superhero movie I want to see. It makes me sad to know that this probably will not turn into a movie – at least not anytime soon due to Sony and Marvel acting like b… sorry. But honestly, the writing was so good, the soundtrack was so well-chosen and the whole thing was so vivid that I experienced the whole script as a movie (which is the whole point of a movie script, I know, but there are tons of movie scripts out there that do not manage to do it as effortlessly as this one). I am definitely gonna follow you for a bit because this is the kind of thing that makes my life complete.

    Like

  14. Magaly says:

    Thank you for this! I read this in one go and it is amazing. You have an incredible talent to convey action and movement. And even tough it is very sad that we won’t be seeing this on the big screen any time soon, I am glad that you took the trouble to write this piece. It was everything I wanted and more. So thank you again!

    Like

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