Here’s the screenplay, if you want to skip the preamble.
Did you know that Andrew Garfield, the inventor of acting, once proposed a Spider-Man movie in which Peter Parker would be bisexual and Michael B. Jordan would play MJ? Did you know that he proposed this more than once?
Did you know that Sony and Marvel allegedly inked a legal licensing agreement in 2011 which contractually obligated all parties involved to portray Peter Parker as straight and white?
No? You didn’t know all that? Well, you do now. Welcome to my own personal hell. Andrew Garfield tried to deliver a bisexual Spider-Man unto us, and Sony and Marvel successfully conspired to screw us out of it.
Until a couple of weeks ago, I’d just resigned myself to the fact that we would never see the immaculate truth of a bisexual Peter Parker on the silver screen.
But then I was like, wait. I may not have the resources of a Hollywood film production studio. But I do have a word processor, a beating heart, and too much time on my hands.
So I just… went ahead and wrote a whole-ass, feature-length Spider-Man movie. Like, not a parody. Not a joke. A dead serious Spider-Man movie with a real plot and shit. In twelve days. OCPD be like that sometimes. In the words of Aubrey Drake Graham:
I ain’t gotta do it
But fuck it, somebody gotta do it
Hate if someone else did it
Fuck, I may as well do it
So here it is, world.
Here’s the screenplay for The Amazing Spider-Man 3: A Gay Fantasia on Superheroic Themes.
And here’s the soundtrack on Spotify, because I am nothing if not thorough.
Featured songs include:
- New York, I Love You But You’re Bringing Me Down by LCD Soundsystem
- The Only Living Boy in New York by Simon & Garfunkel
- New York by the Sex Pistols; warning for slurs.
- There’s A Boat That’s Leaving Soon for New York by Miles Davis
- New York by U2
- I Guess the Lord Must Be in New York City by Harry Nilsson
- Piazza, New York Catcher by Belle & Sebastian
- New York City Cops by the Strokes
- NYC’s Like A Graveyard by the Moldy Peaches; warning for slurs.
- New York City Serenade by Bruce Springsteen
- I Can’t See New York by Tori Amos
- New York by St. Vincent
- Welcome to New York by Ryan Adams
Let the healing begin.