Two Andrew Garfields Invent Acting

ANDREW GARFIELD #1: bad news
they just fired me from being spider man
ANDREW GARFIELD #2: on what grounds though
ANDREW GARFIELD #1: well you know how i’ve been spending every press conference
saying that spider man 3 should be about peter parker discovering he’s bi
like just starting the year at NYU real sad that blonde emma stone died
and he was so distraught that he never finished the assigned summer reading book
which was fun home by alison bechdel
so he has to copy his answers for the pop quiz off of michael b. jordan
ANDREW GARFIELD #2: why michael b. jordan
ANDREW GARFIELD #1: two words
height difference
ANDREW GARFIELD #2: wow yeah
go on
ANDREW GARFIELD #1: i don’t know about the rest of the plot
i just want to kiss michael b. jordan upside down
ANDREW GARFIELD #2: i understand
and the studio wouldn’t go for that?
ANDREW GARFIELD #1: they would not
ANDREW GARFIELD #2: so what are you gonna do?
ANDREW GARFIELD #1: idk
invent acting i guess
ANDREW GARFIELD #2: you could kiss ryan reynolds also
ANDREW GARFIELD #1: upside down?
ANDREW GARFIELD #2: no just regular type
ANDREW GARFIELD #1: ok sure

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ANDREW GARFIELD #2: how was that
ANDREW GARFIELD #1: good
ANDREW GARFIELD #2: good
i’m happy for you
time to invent acting now
ANDREW GARFIELD #1: right ok
how am i going to invent acting
ANDREW GARFIELD #2: maybe talk to the guy who invented playwriting
ANDREW GARFIELD #1: who
shakespeare
hasn’t he been dead for like ten years
ANDREW GARFIELD #2: yeah no shakespeare is super dead
i was talking about tony kushner
ANDREW GARFIELD #1: oh right yeah
he invented playwriting in 1992
ANDREW GARFIELD #2: that’s right
ANDREW GARFIELD #1: weird that he invented playwriting 25 years ago
but no one’s invented acting yet
ANDREW GARFIELD #2: i know
ANDREW GARFIELD #1: heavy is the head that wears the crown
ANDREW GARFIELD #2: you mean the head that wears the aubrey hepburn scarf
and the stylish sunglasses
ANDREW GARFIELD #1: yeah but it’s audrey
not aubrey
ANDREW GARFIELD #2: oh whoops
ANDREW GARFIELD #1: were you thinking about drake again
ANDREW GARFIELD #2: no
ANDREW GARFIELD #1: do you know that’s he’s married
ANDREW GARFIELD #2: let’s change the subject

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ANDREW GARFIELD #1: ok so
i look amazing
ANDREW GARFIELD #2: yeah
ANDREW GARFIELD #1: and i’m supposed to invent acting now i guess
how do i do that
ANDREW GARFIELD #2: maybe we should watch videos of like
other people trying to invent acting
ANDREW GARFIELD #1: ok good idea

ANDREW GARFIELD #2: so what i am getting about acting
from this video
is that if you’re making fun of your boyfriend for being too butch
you should dress and talk the same way he does
like the exact same way?
ANDREW GARFIELD #1: ok correct me if i’m wrong
but if the whole point is i’m making fun of him
for being too butch
shouldn’t i be
not butch
ANDREW GARFIELD #2: that would make sense
yeah
ANDREW GARFIELD #1: like
you’re gonna read butler and foucault
and come away playing prior walter as masc4masc?

ANDREW GARFIELD #2: so now here i think the takeaway is
if you’re in heaven
and a bunch of angels are telling you that the earth is going to perish
in a vortex of fire
you should for sure not cry
or even like change your facial expression at all
ANDREW GARFIELD #1: uh huh
and then when they give you the choice to like
float on up to heaven and never know pain again
or go back to earth and keep living but be really sick
and in terrible pain all the time
obviously you pick the second one
you don’t really have to think about it
ANDREW GARFIELD #2: right
ANDREW GARFIELD #1: and then you just tell the angels
but you’re pretty much casual about it
and your voice is totally level the whole time
ANDREW GARFIELD #2: i don’t know i feel like
maybe this is a hard choice actually?
ANDREW GARFIELD #1: no i know what you mean
and i don’t want to get too crazy here
but i think
maybe prior is kind of sad about this?
ANDREW GARFIELD #2: wow yeah
yeah i think he might be sad
because the angel just told him like
everything he knows and everyone he loves is going to die
ANDREW GARFIELD #1: ok
let me try something

1

ANDREW GARFIELD #2: omg
i think we cracked it
i think we just invented acting
ANDREW GARFIELD #1: wait i’m not done
ANDREW GARFIELD #2: ?
ANDREW GARFIELD #1: i’m just gonna invent gender
real quick i’m gonna do it

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ANDREW GARFIELD #2: oh nice
ANDREW GARFIELD #1: thanks

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