If you haven’t heard, the popular awards the Tonys– that’s Theatre for Anthonys– are airing this Sunday evening. They hand out awards to people who have done theater this year: a quaint little tradition brought forth in the 1600s that we are so honored to continue today. Nominees have been announced, or so wikipedia says, and from this pool we (Olive and Olivia, colloquially Les Olives) have predicted the winners! They are, as follows, in no particular order:

Best Existing: Stephanie J Block

Are you a lesbian? You will understand this. Stephanie J Block, internationally-acclaimed icon, exists. And boy does she exist. Experience this, lovely reader. You will most certainly understand.

Worst Actor (Worst Fucking Actor): Robert Sean Leonard

Robert Sean Leonard is a human man. He is an actor. He acts and may or may not be out there right now, darning his trusty gray t-shirt and stocking up on steamed broccoli in preparation for his upcoming role as Richard II. I have seen him in at least three different things, none of which were performed or created in the past year, and they have all been bad. Take a moment to reflect on every heartfelt moment when his acting made you think, “Wow. this is the worst acting.” Can’t remember? Good.

Tony: He

I Don’t Like You: Christian Borle’s Actual Exposed Skull

There are quite literally no existing English words that could possibly be utilised in the description of the emotions one might experience when viewing or even daring to think of the newly shaven skull belonging to Christian Borle, known actor. Although, if you dare to make an attempt, some that may come to mind are, for example, “bad,” “not good,” “I am not feeling well,” or “I do not want to see this any more.” He will win this award.

Unexpectedly Relevant Musical: Shrek The Musical

To be quite frank with you, this musical is bad. It’s not “good,” and the movie wasn’t “good” either. But thankfully, relevant does not equal “good.” Sometimes the most relevant musicals of all are the terrible, horrible ones. Shrek the Musical is relevant to this year because, like this year, nothing about it extends beyond a general haze of a mood. It has apparently won a Tony before, and this year it’s clearly looking to add to the collection.

Best Hair: Bernadette Peters

Ms. Peters has won the Tony for Best Hair since the year she was born, and this year isn’t looking any different! If (when…) she pulls it off, this will be her 279th Tony award. I got really overwhelmed writing these two sentences because she is incomparably wonderful. Remember when she sang Johanna that time? Anyway, to state a point that will surely be echoed at this year’s Tony awards, she has the best hair. It’s not a competition.

 

Best The Invention of Love (2001 Broadway Production): The Invention of Love (2001 Broadway Production)

For the sixteenth year in a row, this outstanding (if a little extreme) production of Tom Stoppard’s The Invention of Love is projected to win the Tony for Best The Invention of Love (2001 Broadway Production)! Congratulations to everyone involved, but not to Robert Sean Leonard. I love New York, and I love theater.

Best Lighting Design in a Musical: The Really Nice Ambient Lighting In This House I Found On oldhousedreams.com Recently

Old House Dreams is notorious for its iconic homes posted almost daily. It seems that the woman behind all this showstopping real estate, OHD Admin Kelly, will finally get the recognition she deserves at this year’s Tony Awards! This little ditty (the room pictured; perfect for lighthearted dancing between two gays) has the most perfect lighting of any musical this year, and we can’t wait to see it take home the Tony.

 

We are very excited for this year’s Tonys and will be watching every second of the show! See you on Sunday!