INTERIOR – PEYTON’S BEDROOM – DAY

In the centre of an orange room postered with Car Seat Headrest setlists, nestled under floral bedsheets, PEYTON is lying sound asleep. Peyton’s cat, HILLARY PAWDHAM KITTEN, is curled up at their feet, purring contentedly.

Suddenly, there is a flash of sound at Peyton’s bedside. Peyton blinks and opens their eyes.

PEYTON
The fuck was that? Hillary, did you knock something off my desk again? Hills?

Peyton turns their head and sees ALANIS FUCKING MORISSETTE standing there in a leather jacket, glowing with holy light, curly brown hair flowing down to her ass.

ALANIS
Hello, my child.

PEYTON
Oh my God! You’re Alanis Nadine Morissette, the Canadian-American alternative rock singer-songwriter, musician, multi-instrumentalist, record producer, and actress.

ALANIS
That’s right, my child. One R, two S’s, two T’s. I know you’ve always struggled with that.

PEYTON
You know what, Alanis? I have struggled. I did the first two years of my degree at Ottawa U, and the main library on campus is the Morriset Library, and I’ve just… I’ve always gotten the two mixed up.

ALANIS
I forgive you, my child.

PEYTON
I appreciate that, Alanis. Anyway, why have you appeared to me on this night, in this dream?

ALANIS
Well, my child, I know it’s been a rough year for you.

PEYTON
You know what, Alanis? It has been a rough year. I had to quit my job back in January, and I got passed up for a really good new job back in March, and then It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia had the fucking audacity to not make Mac/Dennis canon in the season finale, and they’re going on an extended hiatus to let Glenn Howerton go off and make a whole new TV show, so I’m going to have to wait until 20-fucking-19 for Mac and Dennis to touch mouths. It sucks, Alanis! They’re meant for each other!

ALANIS
I know, my child. I know they are.

PEYTON
I knew you would understand.

ALANIS
Of course, my child. And I have something to tell you – something that might mitigate the pain you’re feeling right now.

PEYTON
What do you mean, Alanis?

ALANIS
What if I told you that I was making a stage musical out of Jagged Little Pill?

PEYTON
(laughing)
Okay. Right. This is just a dream I’m having. You’re not actually Alanis Morissette, and you’re not actually materializing at my bedside to empathize with my struggles.

ALANIS
Ye of little faith! This is real fucking life! I’m actually making a Jagged Little Pill musical!

PEYTON
Okay, Alanis. Sure. Whatever you say. This isn’t a dream, and you’re actually adapting Jagged Little Pill for the stage. Who’s the director? Diane Paulus?

ALANIS
Yep.

PEYTON
Wait. What?

ALANIS
Diane Paulus is directing this. We’re opening it at the American Repertory Theatre in Cambridge, Mass. She’s large and in charge.

PEYTON
Okay, now I know you’re just yanking my chain. Diane Paulus? Diane Marie Paulus? The woman who directed the 2009 production of Hair that made me lose a solid year of my life to freaking the fuck out over Gavin Creel? The woman who directed Audra McDonald and Norm Lewis in Porgy & Bess, which remains the greatest theatrical experience I’ve ever had in my fucking life? For a $17 student rush ticket, no less? The woman who cast Patina Miller in Pippin, along with a bunch of Cirque du Soleil acrobats, creating an unparalleled visual spectacle?  The greatest theatre director of our time? That Diane Paulus?

ALANIS
Yes, bitch.

PEYTON
Holy fuck. Holy fucking shit. Oh my gay God. What the fuck? What the fuck.

ALANIS
I haven’t even told you who’s writing it yet.

PEYTON
Alanis, I seriously cannot imagine what you could possibly say next that would make this news better. Like, I’m going to die. I’m going to actually fucking die.

ALANIS
It’s Diablo Cody.

PEYTON
Alanis… don’t joke about something like that.

ALANIS
I’m serious. Diablo Cody, the screenwriter of Juno and Jennifer’s Body, the songs of your gay youth, is writing this musical.

PEYTON
(crying)
Oh my God, Alanis… what did I do? What did I do to deserve this? This bounty?

ALANIS
Oh, you didn’t do anything. It’s still just the residual cosmic power from that Robert Pope Leonard cake you bought earlier this month.

PEYTON
Oh. Oh, fucking sweet.

ALANIS
Cool. Well, good talk. It’s opening in 2018 at the American Repertory Theatre in Cambridge, Mass.

PEYTON
Thanks. I’ll be there, Alanis. I’ll be there with bells on.

FIN.