How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

If you don’t serve oysters at your party you may as well be dead.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

If you’re more than two degrees of separation from Oscar Wilde you are nobody.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

In fact, if you haven’t at least bumped into Oscar Wilde at a party…you may as well be dead.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Ditto if you don’t have the kiss of Walt Whitman on your lips.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Your aunt wants you to marry your cousin. You may as well. Be dead.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

You may as well be dead.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

The first time you saw him you thought of [insert Greek god here]. You’re Alexander, he’s Hephaestion blah blah blah: You may as well be dead.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

You describe his nose for a paragraph. You describe his chin for a page. All! Together!! Now: You may as well be dead!

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Ironically: One of you dies.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Oh yes, one of you dies.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

In case it wasn’t clear, one of you dies because you’re gay. And oh so tragic.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It’s nice because at your/his deathbed you’re finally able to express some (but not all) of your feelings for each other. Then one of you is dead and the other one is in so much pain: you may as well be dead.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

He throws an extravagant party just to meet you. At night you can’t stop thinking about the way he calls you “old sport” like he’s saying something else.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

You start dating a sports lesbian to cope with this.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

You want to tell him that you love him but you open your mouth and you hear yourself say, “They’re a rotten crowd and you’re way cooler.”

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

You’re the narrator of the book and your book is about him.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

He’s objectively fascinating so you’re completely normal for writing a book about him.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

His fingers are long and delicate. He’s a musician. He has bright, intelligent eyes. He’s so smart and has beautiful lips. Anyone would notice all of this, of course.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Frequently, he calls you “my dear boy” or “my dearest.” You call him only by his name because it is the most beautiful word in the English language. You can’t believe you get to call him by his name.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

All of this is perfectly casual. You’re fine!

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A woman is hysterical in the distance but you’re just staring at each other. He quirks his lips and you laugh. The women is hysterical still, as women are. You keep looking at each other.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

So, tough spot. Turns out the women was getting murdered. She was screaming for help. A woman died because you and your friend couldn’t stop staring at each other. Oh, well, you know. It happens.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Women are so confusing and they get murdered very frequently. Sometimes they don’t get murdered but become wives. What you mean to say is…it wasn’t your fault that woman died.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

On the first page of the book you’re returning to a place that reminds you of him after many years. Oh this place really takes you back to everything that happened! So many things happened. You’re not the same person you were when you were last here, in this place that reminds you of him. Things were so different, so much better. Things are so bad now.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Time to flash back to how you met and tell everyone how things got to be so different. In this place that really reminds you of him.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Looking back at your life now that you’re so old, almost twenty-seven, you know the only happiness you’ve ever known is the summer you spent with him driving across scenic roads and drinking champagne. God, you were both so young. Only twenty-five.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

He speaks to someone and you’re very jealous. You spend the rest of the story making sure he never speaks to people other than you.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

You break up his engagement.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

At many points in your life, you find yourself sitting across from him in your own private train car. You’re off to the countryside. He’s leaning forward towards you.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

You’re in the soup again, what. And he fishes you out. I say!

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Needless to say, you went to a boarding school and things happened there.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

You’re surprised to see him at Violet’s dinner party. You haven’t spoken to each other since Oxford. At Oxford, he was rich and very eccentric. So eccentric he wore silk vests in colours other than black. You were studious and you wore black. Never anything more adventurous than beige. But you wish you could. You wish you were brave like him. He is the brave one. Always so…brave. Brave and young.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

At Oxford you bathed in the moonlight together. Naked together in the moonlight. It was so funny. You don’t know why you’re crying. You’re crying at Violet’s dinner party.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

At the end of the party, he says it was good to see you again and you start taking lunch together every day. It’s almost like it was before. But you have a wife. She hates you and tells you so frequently.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Usually, he’s your flatmate.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

The word “bachelor” is used on every page of the book.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

You’re still in “candles” era so no light bulbs to be screwed.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

He’s very ahead of the curve and he makes you get light bulbs when they become available for sale even though electricity is very expensive and neither of you has a real job.

How many male novelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just you. You’re screwing in the lightbulb and he tries to help but he’s so clumsy with things like that. He lounges on the sofa and tells you about electricity because he is very smart. But you have to screw in the lightbulb.

 

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Disclaimer: this post was inspired by the late, fantastic the-toast.net.