Sleep Well Asshole Sleep Well Bastard Sleep Well Bonehead Sleep Well Bootlicker Sleep Well Bumpkin Sleep Well Butthead Sleep Well Buttlicker Sleep Well Chav Sleep Well Chump Sleep Well Clown Sleep Well Cockmaster Sleep Well Cow Sleep Well Creep Sleep Well Cretin Sleep Well Dick Sleep Well Dickbag Sleep Well Dickface Sleep Well Dickhead Sleep … Continue reading “Sleep Well Beast” by The National, But With Derogatory Epithets Other Than “Beast”
When Joanna Newsom said, "And there was a booming above you that night; black airplanes flew over the sea and they were lowing and shifting like beached whales, shelled snails. As you strained and you squinted to see the retreat of their hairless and blind cavalry, you froze in your sand shoal, prayed for your … Continue reading A Niche Review of Joanna Newsom’s “Ys”
A year ago a good friend of mine - you wouldn't know her, so let's call her "Golive Blambientwitch" - and I decided it would be a fabulous idea to arrange Massive Attack's "Teardrop" for five people. There was no reason for the song choice, or for the specificity in the numbers. Nothing means anything. … Continue reading My Neighbor Rented an Ice Cream Machine and I Missed it to Arrange the House MD Theme for a Quintet
1. ‘I'll be around on Sunday’ - Old Friend I have work meetings all day Sunday, actually! I have to run a unicorn camp on Monday. I guess Mitski could be doing this as well, but I feel like I would've heard about it by now, probably through a dramatically lit photoshoot. 2. ‘Walk up … Continue reading The Top Ten Least Relatable Lines On Mitski’s New Album “Be The Cowboy”
Wouldn't It Be Bad Wouldn't It Be Big Wouldn't It Be Brave Wouldn't It Be Chill Wouldn't It Be Choice Wouldn't It Be Clutch Wouldn't It Be Cool Wouldn't It Be Dark Wouldn't It Be Drab Wouldn't It Be Dope Wouldn't It Be Droll Wouldn't It Be Dumb Wouldn't It Be Fresh Wouldn't It Be … Continue reading “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” by The Beach Boys, but With Single-Syllable Adjectives Other Than “Nice”
While I don't pretend to be an expert on bottom culture, Ohio rock band The National's Matt Berninger certainly is. Encompassing lyrics from, "we'll be their pets, we'll wear their collars" to "I was born to beg for you," here's a comprehensive ranking of The National's current musical offerings, from least-bottomy to most. 8. The … Continue reading Every “The National” Album, Ranked by How Much Matt Berninger Sounds Like a Bottom In It
Because this is a serious website, and because I am a serious music journalist, here is an annotated list of the Springsteen cuts that most make me want to ****** ***** * ***'* ***** *** ** *** **** and **** *** ** *** *** ** *** ***** ****** ****** ****. Props to coolschmool for that … Continue reading The Top Ten Horniest Bruce Springsteen Songs
16. Cooler Than Me https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtZf3-OmGVA The opening notes of this song are capable of instantly tipping me into a sort of conscious fever dream where I’m being pursued by hoards of Ikimaru Davekat drawings with a thirst for blood. 15. Nilili Mambo https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5L_gOBfGl2A I’m going to be totally real: you will never hear Nilili Mambo … Continue reading Sixteen Songs That Will Trigger Your Fight Or Flight Response When You Hear Them In Public, Provided You’ve Read Homestuck
You guys know that one Death Grips song, I've Seen Footage? The banger to end all bangers? You know how in the intro it really sounds like MC Ride is saying "I stay niche," but it's kind of difficult to make it out, and you're like, "Okay, he can't actually be saying 'I stay niche,' there's no … Continue reading I Thought I Was Hearing Him Wrong But It Turns Out MC Ride Really is Saying “I Stay Niche” in That One Death Grips Song
25. Wolf Parade - Cry Cry Cry Tell me about the dream where we pull the bodies out of the lake and dress them in warm clothes again. -- Richard Siken, Scheherazade 24. Kelela - Take Me Apart https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ePi5BLJogyA I wanted to take him home and rough him up and get my hands inside him, … Continue reading The Niche’s Top 25 Albums of 2017, and Also the Lines from Richard Siken’s “Crush” That Best Describe Them
The Niche 