That One Jenny Holzer Truism About Dreams But It’s Now About My Own Weird Quarantine Dreams

In a dream you saw a way to give birth to a premature baby on an airplane, and after a harrowing, hours-long labour, during which it looked at many times like the baby might not survive, you finally named the healthy newborn Ronan Farrow, and you were full of joy.

In a dream you saw a way to own and operate a Cats-themed convenience store and home-video rental outlet in Alaska, with Bill Hader as your co-manager and husband, and you were full of joy.

In a dream you saw a way to sublet a luxury apartment from a rich lady who had stocked her pantry with every kind of fancy confection known to man, and also Alexander McQueen napkins and table settings, and you were full of joy.

In a dream you saw a way to join the cast of “Oh, Hello on Broadway,” like, as a third old man character, but John Mulaney and Nick Kroll were profoundly offended by an improvised joke you made about Sylvia Plath, and you were asked to leave the production, so you were not full of joy.

In a dream you saw a way to star in a murder mystery television series filmed in a Revolutionary War-era manor that was so stunningly decorated — like, one entire wall of the dining room was this big battlefield mural — that some conscious part of your brain was actually like, “I need to remember this dream so I can decorate my own house like this someday,” and you were full of joy.

In a dream you saw a way to dry-hump a platonic friend for whom you most definitely do not have romantic feelings, and you were full of confusion.

In a dream you saw a way to order a drink at breakfast at 7:45 AM that you assumed was non-alcoholic but was, in fact, basically just pure tequila, and your friends, Sam and Lou specifically, laughed good-naturedly at you when you tried to really subtly dribble it back into the glass, and you were full of joy.

In a dream you saw a way to watch Twilight, only this time, Bella had to choose between Edward the vampire, Jacob the werewolf, and an Antarctic explorer played by Bill Hader, and you were full of joy, even though, oddly, this was your second quarantine dream to connect your romantic feelings for Bill Hader to some sort of polar landscape. What does this mean? Let’s go to DreamMoods.com for more insight:


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In a dream you saw a way to recommend a South Park episode to your friend Allegra on the basis that Cartman and Butters behaved precisely like Gil and George from “Oh, Hello,” and when you woke up this honestly seemed like a reasonable basis for a recommendation, so you texted Allegra in real life to recommend that she watch “The Death of Eric Cartman,” and she was like, “oh god am i about to be 24 years old watching south park for the first time,” and you were like, “i think you might be,” and you were full of joy.

 

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