Inspired by this post.
1. What’s your favourite flavour of ice cream?
a) My own tears.
b) Fake asthma medication.
2. Would you be comfortable coming out to your mother?
a) Last year, on my birthday, she got me three gifts: a pack of rainbow-colored gel pens, a cassette of Madonna’s greatest hits, and a copy of Susan and Daniel Cohen’s “When Someone You Know Is Gay.” It’s like, calm down.
b) My mommy would ship me off to conversion therapy in two shakes of a little lamb’s tail if she had even the slightest inkling that I like boys. She doesn’t even let me use public bathrooms lest I catch AIDS from the toilet seats.
c) My mother is dead, you fucking asshole.
3. Pick a song to listen to while snorting recreational painkillers with Finn Wolfhard.
a) The Finn Wolfhard I know would never snort recreational painkillers.
b) My mommy would never allow me to snort recreational painkillers.
c) “Sung Tongs”-era AnCo, obviously.
4. Pick a fun date for yourself and Finn Wolfhard.
a) Playing Dungeons & Dragons in his basement
b) Throwing rocks at kids who are mean to us
5. Pick a near-death experience that will traumatize you for the rest of your life.
a) Being kidnapped by an interdimensional being who tortures and murders children in an eerie mirror-world of our own.
b) …Let’s compare notes, a).
c) I mean, I know something happened, but it must not have been very important because it wasn’t in the movie.
6. Do you have primarily internalized issues or primarily externalized issues?
a) Primarily internalized
b) Primarily externalized
c) I only go to school to flirt with Finn Wolfhard and I am failing English as a result so I don’t know what these words mean.
7. How far have you gotten with Finn Wolfhard?
a) He held me in his arms once.
b) Well, I died in his arms once, so take that.
c) Damn, virgins! Couldn’t be me! 🕺
8. Daddy issues?
a) He’s a jerk.
b) He’s dead.
c) He’s Emmett from Legally Blonde, but evil. Wait, or is he the coach from Friday Night Lights, but evil? I literally can’t remember.
9. How straight is your Finn Wolfhard?
b) Not in the least.
c) Honestly, who the fuck knows?
10. What Hogwarts house are you in?
c) Gryffindor, obviously.
11. Do you hate women?
a) Oh my God, yes.
b) So much.
c) Yes, unless they remind me of my mom.
b) Wait, can I change my answer to c)’s answer?
12. Short shorts: thoughts?
a) My mom is a minimum-wage employee of a small business in a rapidly industrializing mid-sized Midwestern city with a downtown core being priced out of existence by a new suburban mega-mall, so if my shorts are short, it’s only because we can’t afford longer ones.
b) Strongly Agree
c) Fuck that. Catch me wearing cable-knit sweaters and wool trousers in Vegas in the dead heat of summer.
13. When your Finn Wolfhard grows up, he’ll be…
a) Probably married to that annoying feral bald chick he met in the woods.
b) A divorced stand-up comedian with a slightly receding hairline.
c) An extremely handsome European drug dealer with perfectly coiffed hair, an edgy Fendi trench, and Valentino rockstud booties.
14. What do you want to be when you grow up?
a) A comic book artist! Or maybe the guy who draws the posters for Star Wars!
b) I’m not allowed to desire things.
c) An antique furniture dealer and/or a fraudster.
15. Pick a Mitski song that sums up your relationship with Finn Wolfhard.
b) “Two Slow Dancers”
c) “Old Friend”
16. Were you written by…
a) Two straight guys who deliberately intended me to be gay but for whatever reason are content to let that little fact dwell in subtext for now.
b) A straight man with legendarily bizarre sexual hang-ups who insists he did not intentionally write me as gay and a screenwriter who further insists that I am not gay while also having me die in the arms of a weeping Bill Hader.
c) Honestly, I’m not even gonna begin to get into Donna Tartt’s whole situation.
MOSTLY A’s: You are WILL BYERS, and you do not have a snowball’s chance in hell with Finn Wolfhard, but that’s okay, because your mom loves you and one day she’s going to build a gay club in your small midwestern town brick by brick with her own two hands and you will go there and meet a nice guy.
MOSTLY B’s: You are EDDIE KASPBRAK. You may be dead, but on the internet, at least, two men may fall in love and remain in it for the ever and ever that fanfiction allows, and in this sense, you and Finn Wolfhard still roam the greenwood on AO3.
MOSTLY C’s: You are THEO DECKER. Man, what’s wrong with you? Just nut up and put a ring on it already. Are you dead? No. Is your Finn Wolfhard locked in a deeply loving and committed relationship with the female protagonist of your show? No. You’re in an apartment in Brussels together with hundreds of thousands of dollars and literally no commitments. Get it in.
3 thoughts on “Niche Quiz: Which Emotionally Unstable Thirteen-Year-Old Boy with a Crush on Your Best Friend, Finn Wolfhard, Are You?”
Oh my god. Peyton I just love everything you write.
This gives me an immense amount of joy, I will almost definitely read this 4+ times over the next month or so, and also again right now.
this is an accurate plot summary of The Goldfinch, send tweet