Dear [Your Representative’s Name Here],
My name is [Your Name], and I am a constituent of your district, [Congressional District]. I am writing to express my concerns about the future of the Supreme Court of the United States.
Earlier this year, the Court issued a number of distressing opinions. They ruled to uphold a Republican redistricting plan which would minimize the voting power of people of color in Texas. They ruled that religious “crisis pregnancy centers” posing as legitimate health clinics were not obligated to inform patients of abortion care options. They ruled in favor of the dude who refused to bake a wedding cake for a gay couple. They struck down a law which required public sector employees to pay union dues. In the most egregious move of all, they voted to uphold Trump’s ban on Muslim immigrants.
Shortly thereafter, we learned that Anthony Kennedy is retiring, which means we’re losing the one “swing” vote on the Court — which, I mean, whether or not Anthony Kennedy’s swing vote was actually a useful or good or real thing is up for debate. Like, look at the paragraph above.
In June, when I wrote the first draft of this letter, I concluded with, “Either way, I think we can all agree that whichever paleoconservative fire-breathing dragon Trump nominates will be much, much worse than Anthony Kennedy.” Now, I don’t claim to be a prophet, [Your Representative’s Name Here], but “much, much worse” turned out to be a pretty apt descriptor for Brett “Have You Boofed Yet?” Kavanagh.
I hope very much, [Your Representative’s Name Here], that you will vote to reject Kavanagh’s nomination. But I hope, too, that you will go one step further, and consider the following proposal:
We urgently need to replace all the Republicans on the Supreme Court with the little cartoon animals from Night in the Woods.
Confused? No problem! I’ve drafted a short piece of legislation, below, so you can see exactly what a smart idea this would be.
REGULATORY AND LEGISLATIVE PROPOSALS RELATING TO THE REPLACEMENT OF ALL REPUBLICAN SUPREME COURT JUSTICES WITH THE LITTLE CARTOON ANIMALS FROM NIGHT IN THE WOODS
1. It is proposed that the composition of the Supreme Court of the United States be altered as follows:
i. Chief Justice John Roberts is to be replaced by Mae Borowski, the cat from Night in the Woods;
ii. Associate Justice Clarence Thomas is to be replaced by Greggory Lee, the gay fox from Night in the Woods;
iii. Associate Justice Samuel Alito is to be replaced by Beatrice Santello, the goth crocodile from Night in the Woods;
iv. Associate Justice Neil Gorsuch is to be replaced by Angus Delaney, the bear from Night in the Woods; let it be noted that the word “bear” is used, in this context, to refer simultaneously to Delaney’s membership in the ursine species and to his existence as a large, hairy gay male;
v. Judge Brett Kavanagh is to be summarily dismissed from consideration for appointment to the Supreme Court, blindfolded, and frogmarched into the mineshaft below Possum Springs, where he is to live out his last moments in terror before being flung headlong into the maw of the abyss and fed upon by the demon goat who lives deep within the earth, such that his spilled blood may spell prosperity for the taco place that just opened up where Pastabilities used to be.
2. Expounding upon subparagraph (i) of the proposal described in paragraph (1) of this legislation, it is proposed that Mae Borowski is qualified to serve as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States on the following grounds:
i. One time she was trying to steal a battery out of an abandoned car in order to power an animatronic frog that she and her best friend had ganked from the boarded-up grocery store on the outskirts of town, and in so doing she touched the wrong wire and got electrocuted and died, but then came back to life. She is immortal. Her lifetime appointment will last forever.
ii. Really good at just destroying shit with a baseball bat, like you wouldn’t even have to give her a gavel, she’d walk into the courtroom in her little black cape with her little doily slung around her neck and she’d smack the law counter with her baseball bat, like bam bam bam, order in the court, motherfuckers.
iii. Plays a mean bass.
iv. Demonstrated adept knowledge of the law by breaking it on several occasions: shoplifting from the pierogi stand and feeding the stolen dumplings to area rats, causing a widespread rodent infestation; tampering with crime scene evidence by poking a severed arm with a stick on the sidewalk outside the Clik Clak Diner; breaking and entering and picking the thirty locks on the elevators at the historical society on the outskirts of town; and digging up some dude’s grave as a fun lesbian date activity.
v. When she saw that one guy get kidnapped at HarFest, she sprinted after the kidnapper for like, literally miles, all the way past the abandoned Food Donkey and up that flight of stairs to the chainlink fence. Do you think John Roberts has that kind of stamina? Doubtful.
3. Expounding upon subparagraph (ii) of the proposal described in paragraph (1) of this legislation, it is proposed that Gregg Lee is qualified to serve as an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States on the following grounds:
i. Were he to be appointed to the Supreme Court, he would be the first gay man, and the first cartoon fox, to serve. True equality.
ii. No legal education to speak of, but who needs a law degree when you have a crossbow and steady aim, am I right?
iii. Incredible work ethic; has been putting in shifts seven days a week at the Snack Falcon for almost a year now, in an effort to relocate from Possum Springs to Bright Harbor, and only occasionally leaves work early, destroys company property for fun, or renders the slurpee cups unusable by wearing them over his ears like little hats.
iv. In addition to being able to wreck your shit with a crossbow, also highly capable of luring you into the woods for a knife fight and winning.
v. he rulz ok
4. Expounding upon subparagraph (iii) of the proposal described in paragraph (1) of this legislation, it is proposed that Bea Santello is qualified to serve as an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States on the following grounds:
i. Honestly, Bea is already on track to become a Supreme Court Justice someday: a high school valedictorian, the de facto manager of a prospering small business, a devoted member of her local DSA chapter. She has the resume. She has the work ethic. She has the ideological commitment to dismantle capitalism. The Ol’ Pickaxe’s loss would be the Supreme Court’s gain.
ii. How many goths presently serve on the bench? That’s right: zero. A grievous oversight, and one we must correct immediately.
iii. Drove Mae’s drunk ass home from that disastrous party in the woods, even though Mae was being a total dick that night, and also yanked Mae out of a collapsing mineshaft, demonstrating the sort of fierce commitment to the greater good of humanity that legal service demands.
iv. Honestly, who deserves to get out of Possum Springs and complete rigorous legal education and radically transform the civil structure of the United States more than Bea Santello?
v. If she and Mae serve on the Supreme Court simultaneously, then maybe MaeBea will finally become canon.
4. Expounding upon subparagraph (iv) of the proposal described in paragraph (1) of this legislation, it is proposed that Angus Delaney is qualified to serve as an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States on the following grounds:
i. soft boy
ii. strong boy
iii. Carried Mae on his back out of the collapsed mineshaft after those murder cultists tried to lambshank her, an act of great kindness and nobility, and certainly something Samuel Alito has never even attempted in his miserable, grimy little life. Like, I can’t be sure about this, but I feel like if Samuel Alito were instrumental in stopping a group of murder cultists by collapsing a mineshaft on top of them, we’d have heard about it by now.
iv. I have not once gotten through the part of the game where he stargazes with Mae and talks about surviving his childhood abuse without bawling my homosexual eyes out.
v. Devoted and hardworking employee of the local Video Outpost “Too” and could definitely get a great letter of recommendation from his boss.
In conclusion, America can, should, must, and will replace all conservative Supreme Court Justices with the little cartoon animals from Night in the Woods.
P.S. If you want to actually write to your representative about this, in a serious way, click here for real instructions on how to do so.