Can someone please just fucking explain to me what I need to do to become Master of Crows?

Everywhere I look! Little girls making friends with crows! Is it just that I’m too old? Too gender ambiguous? I want to befriend a whole murder of crows and I want them to bring me the trinkets they find on their little daily journeys as tribute. What about this is so difficult to understand?

Look, here’s my vision board. That’s me right there in the center, surrounded by dozens of crows. The stuff heaped at my feet? Oh, that’s a pile of gold. My real life crows don’t have to bring me gold but I like to dream big. Thanks, I think it’s a nice collage too. Took me like two hours.

Anyway, can we get back to the point? I don’t know what I’m doing wrong here. I feed the crows. I tell them that their feathers are looking especially dark and glossy today. Am I just trying too hard? Coming on too strong? Maybe crows can sense desperation. This is high school all over again. Fucking crows won’t let me sit at their lunch table. Think they’re so hot with their salon highlights and genuine Uggs…

Hey, where are you going? Sit down. I need you to brainstorm with me. I’m thinking that maybe it’s that they need to owe me a life debt. That one little girl saved a crow’s life or something, right? I need to find a crow in mortal danger and rescue it. Or hey, maybe I could put a crow in mortal danger and then rescue it. Do you think they’d catch on to that? How do you trap a crow? Hang on, I need to look into this.

Okay, it says here that you can capture a crow using something called a Larsen trap. Do you have any experience with those? How about you familiarize yourself and we’ll regroup here next week. These birds won’t know what hit them.

I don’t know why you’re looking at me like that. This benefits you too. You’ll be getting a cushy position in my administration when I’m Crow Master, I assure you. A ten percent cut of the trinket horde and all the eggs you can eat. Such are the rewards of loyalty.

Yes, fine, you’ve made your position clear. I should give the crows their space. No, no, it makes total sense. Gotta play harder to get, right? Wink. I gotcha. Tell you what: I’ll go do that while you put together that trap we discussed. I’m setting aside a pile of crow treasure for you as we speak. It’s gonna be great.