Two Linguists Invent Eliza Doolittle

Scenes from Pygmalion; scenes from My Fair Lady; a lot of lines that are paraphrased; some lines that are literally copy-pasted from the works of George Bernard Shaw.

  • PICKERING: i came from india to meet you!
  • HIGGINS: i was going to india to meet you!
  • PICKERING: omg!
  • HIGGINS:
  • i live at 27a wimpole street
  • if like…you want to come over tomorrow and
  • invent linguistics?
  • PICKERING: invent? oh…oh! invent–
  • HIGGINS: yeah, like, invent linguistics
  • PICKERING: well, you know. im staying at the Carlton so…
  • you could come over and…uh, “invent linguistics” right now?
  • [They turn to leave colliding with a FLOWER GIRL]
  • FLOWER GIRL: Hello could I trouble you gentlemen to
  • buy some flowers?
  • HIGGINS: dude
  • whoa
  • where did this dirty lamp post come from
  •  and why is it making noises
  • FLOWER GIRL: I am a human being.
  • HIGGINS: that is a scary noise. to be coming from
  • a lamp post
  • please sweep me off my feet and
  • take me to your hotel
  • where i shall be safe
  • PICKERING: cool
  • bye bye lamp post

********

  • [The Next Day–HIGGINS has been showing PICKERINg his linguistics machines and studies all morning.]
  • PICKERING: you are extraordinary
  • as a linguist
  • HIGGINS: as a linguist mhmmm
  • PICKERING: your study of the langue
  • is truly top notch
  • HIGGINS: yes im so glad we
  • stole linguistics
  • from india
  • (The FLOWER GIRL enters.)
  • FLOWER GIRL: Hello, your housekeeper let me in? And
  • since I have an accent that denotes a lower socioeconomic class
  • I was wondering if you could teach me
  • an accent that could prove to be more lucrative? So I can sell flowers?
  • HIGGINS: Uptalking is soooo annoying
  • you know when woman uptalk? when they put question marks at the end of sentences
  • that are not
  • questions?
  • PICKERING: yeah
  • HIGGINS: i don’t like that
  • PICKERING: i don’t like women
  • FLOWER GIRL: Hello?!
  • HIGGINS: pickering should we ask this baggage
  • to sit down or shall we throw her out of the window?
  • FLOWER GIRL: I am a human being. I would like to pay you
  • for your services as a linguist.
  • HIGGINS: pickering what is it saying?
  • i am frightened. please save me.
  • PICKERING: (kindly, kneeling in front of her as though talking to a wild animal)
  • hey
  • baggage?
  • what is it you want?
  • FLOWER GIRL: Oh my god

********

  • PICKERING: what are you called?
  • FLOWER GIRL: Liza
  • HIGGINS: eliza, elizabeth, betsy, and bess
  • they went to the woods to get a birds nes
  • PICKERING: they found a nest with four eggs in it
  • HIGGINS: they took one apiece, and left three in it
  • (They laugh heartily at their own wit)
  • LIZA: Men are sociopaths.

******

  • PICKERING: hey should we call her by her real last name
  • or should we call her doolittle
  • HIGGINS: what?
  • PICKERING: get it
  • cause she just lives in your house now
  • and does very little
  • HIGGINS: omg. wow language is like
  • literally amazing
  • that was so cool what you did there.
  • we’re calling her doolittle for sure
  • PICKERING: we are SO witty
  • HIGGINS: inventing linguistics
  • is so easy and fun
  • when i am with you

******

  • HIGGINS: hey pickering?
  • PICKERING: yeah? what’s wrong
  • you seem
  • sad
  • HIGGINS: it’s our house
  • PICKERING: what
  • HIGGINS: before when you said how Doolittle
  • lives in my house
  • it’s not my house anymore
  • it’s ours
  • i thought you knew that
  • PICKERING: oh well.
  • that’s a really important linguistic distinction.
  • HIGGINS: (moodily) yeah i’ll say
  • PICKERING: (happily) it’s
  • our house
  • HIGGINS: say it again. please.
  • say it one more time….
  • PICKERING:
    • our
    • house
  • LIZA: I am here, also.

********

  • HIGGINS: is linguistics
  • like teaching her phonetics or is it
  • making her walk across the room with a book on her head?
  • PICKERING: definitely:
  • walk across room with book on head
  • that one
  • FLOWER GIRL: Gentlemen please.
  • I am appealing to our shared humanity.
  • I am begging you to address me directly
  • when I am in the room.
  • PICKERING: hey is linguistics like
  • teaching her grammar or is it
  • dancing with your best friend
  • as she watches (like so she can learn)
  • and then
  • giving her a makeover where she looks cool in a tight long white dress
  • with lots of big black bows on it and
  • a huge floppy hat?
  • HIGGINS: wow it’s not like you to ask
  • such stupid obvious questions
  • PICKERING: ur right
  • let;s go shopping

********

  • PICKERING: is it linguistics to
  • sing a whole song about not letting women in your lfie
  • HIGGINS: that’s the most linguistics of all
  • i always have a song like that ready
  • just in case someone stops me and says
  • hey. are you a linguist?

********

  • PICKERING: hey higgins
  • HIGGINS: yeah?
  • PICKERING: is it linguistics to
  • be jeremy brett and walk down a street
  • knowing you’re on the street where she lives?
  • HIGGINS: that’s ridiculous
  • PICKERING: you’re so wise
  • HIGGINS: it’s my job
  • so yeah. linguistics is not jeremy brett
  • knowing he’s on the street where she lives
  • linguistics is wondering why can’t a woman be more
  • like a man
  • PICKERING: you’re so smart
  • and sexy
  • and cool
  • HIGGINS: most of all linguistics is wondering
  • why can’t a woman be
  • like you?
  • PICKERING: oh…
  • HIGGINS: yeah.
  • PICKERING: wow
  • HIGGING: yeah

********

  • LIZA: The Rain
  • In Spain
  • Stays Mainly
  • In The Plain!
  • HIGGINS: omg
  • she’s got it
  • PICKERING: by jove, she’s got it. this is so hot.
  • so hot how
  • you made her
  • pronounce rain and spain
  • and even
  • plain
  • HIGGINS: yeah?
  • PICKERING: yeah.
  • you’re the coolest
  • coolest
  • sexiest linguist
  • in the world
  • HIGGINS: you really think so?
  • LIZA: Literally What

********

  • LIZA: Professor Higgins. I–
  • HIGGINS: (jumping into PICKERING’s arms in terror)
  • AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
  • HHHHH
  • HH
  • WHERE THE HELL
  • DID YOU COME FROM
  • CREATURE
  • BE DAMNED
  • BEGONE
  • LIZA: I Have Been
  • Sitting In This Room With You And Mr. Pickering
  • For Three Hours
  • Drinking Tea and Listening to You Complimenting Each Other’s
  • Linguistics
  • HIGGINS: no way
  • LIZA: You Have Asked Me Where Your Slippers Are
  • Nine Times
  • But They Have Never
  • Left Your Feet
  • HIGGINS: im gonna put you
  • in the dustbin
  • LIZA: I Have Realized
  • The Difference Between A Lady And A Flower Girl Is Not How She Behaves
  • But How She Is Treated
  • HIGGINS:
  • what the fuck is
  • dish rag talking about
  • LIZA: When I Sold Flowers I Did Not Sell My
  • Self
  • Now I Am A Lady And I Do Not Know
  • How To Sell Anything Else
  • PICKERING: ok Little Miss Das Kapital
  • slow down
  • LIZA: Professor Higgins
  • I Am Leaving to Marry Freddy
  • You Shall Never See Me Again
  • (She glides out of the room).
  • HIGGINS: bye bye Miss Dishrag

 

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