Scenes from Pygmalion; scenes from My Fair Lady; a lot of lines that are paraphrased; some lines that are literally copy-pasted from the works of George Bernard Shaw.
- PICKERING: i came from india to meet you!
- HIGGINS: i was going to india to meet you!
- PICKERING: omg!
- i live at 27a wimpole street
- if like…you want to come over tomorrow and
- invent linguistics?
- PICKERING: invent? oh…oh! invent–
- HIGGINS: yeah, like, invent linguistics
- PICKERING: well, you know. im staying at the Carlton so…
- you could come over and…uh, “invent linguistics” right now?
- [They turn to leave colliding with a FLOWER GIRL]
- FLOWER GIRL: Hello could I trouble you gentlemen to
- buy some flowers?
- HIGGINS: dude
- where did this dirty lamp post come from
- and why is it making noises
- FLOWER GIRL: I am a human being.
- HIGGINS: that is a scary noise. to be coming from
- a lamp post
- please sweep me off my feet and
- take me to your hotel
- where i shall be safe
- PICKERING: cool
- bye bye lamp post
- [The Next Day–HIGGINS has been showing PICKERINg his linguistics machines and studies all morning.]
- PICKERING: you are extraordinary
- as a linguist
- HIGGINS: as a linguist mhmmm
- PICKERING: your study of the langue
- is truly top notch
- HIGGINS: yes im so glad we
- stole linguistics
- from india
- (The FLOWER GIRL enters.)
- FLOWER GIRL: Hello, your housekeeper let me in? And
- since I have an accent that denotes a lower socioeconomic class
- I was wondering if you could teach me
- an accent that could prove to be more lucrative? So I can sell flowers?
- HIGGINS: Uptalking is soooo annoying
- you know when woman uptalk? when they put question marks at the end of sentences
- that are not
- PICKERING: yeah
- HIGGINS: i don’t like that
- PICKERING: i don’t like women
- FLOWER GIRL: Hello?!
- HIGGINS: pickering should we ask this baggage
- to sit down or shall we throw her out of the window?
- FLOWER GIRL: I am a human being. I would like to pay you
- for your services as a linguist.
- HIGGINS: pickering what is it saying?
- i am frightened. please save me.
- PICKERING: (kindly, kneeling in front of her as though talking to a wild animal)
- what is it you want?
- FLOWER GIRL: Oh my god
- PICKERING: what are you called?
- FLOWER GIRL: Liza
- HIGGINS: eliza, elizabeth, betsy, and bess
- they went to the woods to get a birds nes
- PICKERING: they found a nest with four eggs in it
- HIGGINS: they took one apiece, and left three in it
- (They laugh heartily at their own wit)
- LIZA: Men are sociopaths.
- PICKERING: hey should we call her by her real last name
- or should we call her doolittle
- HIGGINS: what?
- PICKERING: get it
- cause she just lives in your house now
- and does very little
- HIGGINS: omg. wow language is like
- literally amazing
- that was so cool what you did there.
- we’re calling her doolittle for sure
- PICKERING: we are SO witty
- HIGGINS: inventing linguistics
- is so easy and fun
- when i am with you
- HIGGINS: hey pickering?
- PICKERING: yeah? what’s wrong
- you seem
- HIGGINS: it’s our house
- PICKERING: what
- HIGGINS: before when you said how Doolittle
- lives in my house
- it’s not my house anymore
- it’s ours
- i thought you knew that
- PICKERING: oh well.
- that’s a really important linguistic distinction.
- HIGGINS: (moodily) yeah i’ll say
- PICKERING: (happily) it’s
- our house
- HIGGINS: say it again. please.
- say it one more time….
- LIZA: I am here, also.
- HIGGINS: is linguistics
- like teaching her phonetics or is it
- making her walk across the room with a book on her head?
- PICKERING: definitely:
- walk across room with book on head
- that one
- FLOWER GIRL: Gentlemen please.
- I am appealing to our shared humanity.
- I am begging you to address me directly
- when I am in the room.
- PICKERING: hey is linguistics like
- teaching her grammar or is it
- dancing with your best friend
- as she watches (like so she can learn)
- and then
- giving her a makeover where she looks cool in a tight long white dress
- with lots of big black bows on it and
- a huge floppy hat?
- HIGGINS: wow it’s not like you to ask
- such stupid obvious questions
- PICKERING: ur right
- let;s go shopping
- PICKERING: is it linguistics to
- sing a whole song about not letting women in your lfie
- HIGGINS: that’s the most linguistics of all
- i always have a song like that ready
- just in case someone stops me and says
- hey. are you a linguist?
- PICKERING: hey higgins
- HIGGINS: yeah?
- PICKERING: is it linguistics to
- be jeremy brett and walk down a street
- knowing you’re on the street where she lives?
- HIGGINS: that’s ridiculous
- PICKERING: you’re so wise
- HIGGINS: it’s my job
- so yeah. linguistics is not jeremy brett
- knowing he’s on the street where she lives
- linguistics is wondering why can’t a woman be more
- like a man
- PICKERING: you’re so smart
- and sexy
- and cool
- HIGGINS: most of all linguistics is wondering
- why can’t a woman be
- like you?
- PICKERING: oh…
- HIGGINS: yeah.
- PICKERING: wow
- HIGGING: yeah
- LIZA: The Rain
- In Spain
- Stays Mainly
- In The Plain!
- HIGGINS: omg
- she’s got it
- PICKERING: by jove, she’s got it. this is so hot.
- so hot how
- you made her
- pronounce rain and spain
- and even
- HIGGINS: yeah?
- PICKERING: yeah.
- you’re the coolest
- sexiest linguist
- in the world
- HIGGINS: you really think so?
- LIZA: Literally What
- LIZA: Professor Higgins. I–
- HIGGINS: (jumping into PICKERING’s arms in terror)
- WHERE THE HELL
- DID YOU COME FROM
- BE DAMNED
- LIZA: I Have Been
- Sitting In This Room With You And Mr. Pickering
- For Three Hours
- Drinking Tea and Listening to You Complimenting Each Other’s
- HIGGINS: no way
- LIZA: You Have Asked Me Where Your Slippers Are
- Nine Times
- But They Have Never
- Left Your Feet
- HIGGINS: im gonna put you
- in the dustbin
- LIZA: I Have Realized
- The Difference Between A Lady And A Flower Girl Is Not How She Behaves
- But How She Is Treated
- what the fuck is
- dish rag talking about
- LIZA: When I Sold Flowers I Did Not Sell My
- Now I Am A Lady And I Do Not Know
- How To Sell Anything Else
- PICKERING: ok Little Miss Das Kapital
- slow down
- LIZA: Professor Higgins
- I Am Leaving to Marry Freddy
- You Shall Never See Me Again
- (She glides out of the room).
- HIGGINS: bye bye Miss Dishrag
2 thoughts on “Two Linguists Invent Eliza Doolittle”
“ok Little Miss Das Kapital”
thea i swear to god
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