Scenes from Pygmalion; scenes from My Fair Lady; a lot of lines that are paraphrased; some lines that are literally copy-pasted from the works of George Bernard Shaw.

• PICKERING: i came from india to meet you!
• HIGGINS: i was going to india to meet you!
• PICKERING: omg!
• HIGGINS:
• i live at 27a wimpole street
• if like…you want to come over tomorrow and
• invent linguistics?
• PICKERING: invent? oh…oh! invent–
• HIGGINS: yeah, like, invent linguistics
• PICKERING: well, you know. im staying at the Carlton so…
• you could come over and…uh, “invent linguistics” right now?
• [They turn to leave colliding with a FLOWER GIRL]
• FLOWER GIRL: Hello could I trouble you gentlemen to
• buy some flowers?
• HIGGINS: dude
• whoa
• where did this dirty lamp post come from
•  and why is it making noises
• FLOWER GIRL: I am a human being.
• HIGGINS: that is a scary noise. to be coming from
• a lamp post
• please sweep me off my feet and
• take me to your hotel
• where i shall be safe
• PICKERING: cool
• bye bye lamp post

********

• [The Next Day–HIGGINS has been showing PICKERINg his linguistics machines and studies all morning.]
• PICKERING: you are extraordinary
• as a linguist
• HIGGINS: as a linguist mhmmm
• PICKERING: your study of the langue
• is truly top notch
• HIGGINS: yes im so glad we
• stole linguistics
• from india
• (The FLOWER GIRL enters.)
• FLOWER GIRL: Hello, your housekeeper let me in? And
• since I have an accent that denotes a lower socioeconomic class
• I was wondering if you could teach me
• an accent that could prove to be more lucrative? So I can sell flowers?
• HIGGINS: Uptalking is soooo annoying
• you know when woman uptalk? when they put question marks at the end of sentences
• that are not
• questions?
• PICKERING: yeah
• HIGGINS: i don’t like that
• PICKERING: i don’t like women
• FLOWER GIRL: Hello?!
• HIGGINS: pickering should we ask this baggage
• to sit down or shall we throw her out of the window?
• FLOWER GIRL: I am a human being. I would like to pay you
• for your services as a linguist.
• HIGGINS: pickering what is it saying?
• i am frightened. please save me.
• PICKERING: (kindly, kneeling in front of her as though talking to a wild animal)
• hey
• baggage?
• what is it you want?
• FLOWER GIRL: Oh my god

********

• PICKERING: what are you called?
• FLOWER GIRL: Liza
• HIGGINS: eliza, elizabeth, betsy, and bess
• they went to the woods to get a birds nes
• PICKERING: they found a nest with four eggs in it
• HIGGINS: they took one apiece, and left three in it
• (They laugh heartily at their own wit)
• LIZA: Men are sociopaths.

******

• PICKERING: hey should we call her by her real last name
• or should we call her doolittle
• HIGGINS: what?
• PICKERING: get it
• cause she just lives in your house now
• and does very little
• HIGGINS: omg. wow language is like
• literally amazing
• that was so cool what you did there.
• we’re calling her doolittle for sure
• PICKERING: we are SO witty
• HIGGINS: inventing linguistics
• is so easy and fun
• when i am with you

******

• HIGGINS: hey pickering?
• PICKERING: yeah? what’s wrong
• you seem
• sad
• HIGGINS: it’s our house
• PICKERING: what
• HIGGINS: before when you said how Doolittle
• lives in my house
• it’s not my house anymore
• it’s ours
• i thought you knew that
• PICKERING: oh well.
• that’s a really important linguistic distinction.
• HIGGINS: (moodily) yeah i’ll say
• PICKERING: (happily) it’s
• our house
• HIGGINS: say it again. please.
• say it one more time….
• PICKERING:
  • our
  • house
• LIZA: I am here, also.

********

• HIGGINS: is linguistics
• like teaching her phonetics or is it
• making her walk across the room with a book on her head?
• PICKERING: definitely:
• walk across room with book on head
• that one
• FLOWER GIRL: Gentlemen please.
• I am appealing to our shared humanity.
• I am begging you to address me directly
• when I am in the room.
• PICKERING: hey is linguistics like
• teaching her grammar or is it
• dancing with your best friend
• as she watches (like so she can learn)
• and then
• giving her a makeover where she looks cool in a tight long white dress
• with lots of big black bows on it and
• a huge floppy hat?
• HIGGINS: wow it’s not like you to ask
• such stupid obvious questions
• PICKERING: ur right
• let;s go shopping

********

• PICKERING: is it linguistics to
• sing a whole song about not letting women in your lfie
• HIGGINS: that’s the most linguistics of all
• i always have a song like that ready
• just in case someone stops me and says
• hey. are you a linguist?

********

• PICKERING: hey higgins
• HIGGINS: yeah?
• PICKERING: is it linguistics to
• be jeremy brett and walk down a street
• knowing you’re on the street where she lives?
• HIGGINS: that’s ridiculous
• PICKERING: you’re so wise
• HIGGINS: it’s my job
• so yeah. linguistics is not jeremy brett
• knowing he’s on the street where she lives
• linguistics is wondering why can’t a woman be more
• like a man
• PICKERING: you’re so smart
• and sexy
• and cool
• HIGGINS: most of all linguistics is wondering
• why can’t a woman be
• like you?
• PICKERING: oh…
• HIGGINS: yeah.
• PICKERING: wow
• HIGGING: yeah

********

• LIZA: The Rain
• In Spain
• Stays Mainly
• In The Plain!
• HIGGINS: omg
• she’s got it
• PICKERING: by jove, she’s got it. this is so hot.
• so hot how
• you made her
• pronounce rain and spain
• and even
• plain
• HIGGINS: yeah?
• PICKERING: yeah.
• you’re the coolest
• coolest
• sexiest linguist
• in the world
• HIGGINS: you really think so?
• LIZA: Literally What

********

• LIZA: Professor Higgins. I–
• HIGGINS: (jumping into PICKERING’s arms in terror)
• AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
• HHHHH
• HH
• WHERE THE HELL
• DID YOU COME FROM
• CREATURE
• BE DAMNED
• BEGONE
• LIZA: I Have Been
• Sitting In This Room With You And Mr. Pickering
• For Three Hours
• Drinking Tea and Listening to You Complimenting Each Other’s
• Linguistics
• HIGGINS: no way
• LIZA: You Have Asked Me Where Your Slippers Are
• Nine Times
• But They Have Never
• Left Your Feet
• HIGGINS: im gonna put you
• in the dustbin
• LIZA: I Have Realized
• The Difference Between A Lady And A Flower Girl Is Not How She Behaves
• But How She Is Treated
• HIGGINS:
• what the fuck is
• dish rag talking about
• LIZA: When I Sold Flowers I Did Not Sell My
• Self
• Now I Am A Lady And I Do Not Know
• How To Sell Anything Else
• PICKERING: ok Little Miss Das Kapital
• slow down
• LIZA: Professor Higgins
• I Am Leaving to Marry Freddy
• You Shall Never See Me Again
• (She glides out of the room).
• HIGGINS: bye bye Miss Dishrag