For those not in the know, The Dynamic is the pure, unadulterated concentration of all the greatest love stories in existence, across time and through space. The Dynamic is a merging of souls, a fixed point in a changing age. This quiz will allow you to determine which half of The Dynamic you are, so that you can put this information on your Tinder profile and find your soulmate. Let’s get started!
1. Do you darn your socks to do theatre, or do you row crew to avoid pleasure?
2. Do you pretend to jump off the back of the Titanic just for the drama, or do you not even ask to share the floating door?
a) Pretend to jump off the back of the Titanic just for the drama
b) Not even ask to share the floating door
3. Are you the one who smashes a ten-foot antique mirror in a fit of inexplicable blind rage brought on by quintessential love song “Leave A Tender Moment Alone,” or are you the one who finds that intriguing?
a) The latter
b) The former
4. Are you a top who’s down to bottom, or a bottom who’s not down to top?
a) A bottom who’s not down to top
b) A top who’s down to bottom
5. Do you shout “Daddy, I love him!” or do you immediately live with the eccentric you met at the beach?
a) “Daddy, I love him!”
b) Immediately live with the eccentric you met at the beach
6. Do you have primarily internalized issues or primarily externalized issues?
a) Primarily internalized
b) Primarily externalized
7. Do you date a sixty-year-old English professor who will validate your intellectual capacity without ever demanding emotional intimacy, or do you date a wet saltine with no personality and no intellectual capacity who will fulfill your need for companionship without ever challenging you?
a) English professor
b) Wet saltine
8. When you and your loved one are about to die, and you want to die holding hands, do you take their hand in yours, or do you permit them to take your hand?
a) Permit them to take your hand
b) Take their hand in yours
9. Pick an inanimate object to hyperfixate on: a collection of paper clips and bottle caps, or a rubber duckie.
a) Paper clips and bottle caps
b) Rubber duckie
10. Are you more of a frog or a toad?
11. Do you like to be valid?
b) I am literally a wiener dog standing on a counter.
12. Pick a loving text to send to your significant other.
a) My Dearest Lover I Am Subsumed By Concupiscent Feeling On This Day And I Desire For You To Alight To My Bed And Smother Me In Tender Featherlight Touch Until The Strain Of Existence On This Moral Coil Is Not So Wearisome
b) hey babe!! hope you’re having a good day i love you so much ❤
13. You’re having a bad day. Do you cope by:
a) Stripping naked, stomping across your lawn, and screaming loudly and wordlessly at the neighbour who keeps saying, “Boy, it’s a hot one!”
b) Not telling your husband that you put dog meat in his mac and cheese
14. Are you the saviour of mankind, or the disciple that he loves?
a) The former
b) The latter
15. Do you have a complicated name or many names, or do you have one simple name?
a) A complicated name or many names
b) One simple name
MOSTLY A’s: You are an ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE. Don’t worry, though! We mean it as a compliment. You are flamboyant and helpful and loving. You have a lot of internalized issues, so you’re often mistaken for emotionless, but you have feelings. Big feelings. And it hurts! You’re strong all the time; you have to be, just to survive. You need a partner you can be weak with.
Notable Absolute Nightmares: Sherlock Holmes, Rose DeWitt Bukater, Chiron Harris, Ilana Wexler, Paris Geller, Gregory House, Enjolras, Kim Kardashian, Robert Pope Leonard, Dennis Reynolds, Jessica Jones, Bert, Sufjan Stevens, Mae Borowski, Mark Zuckerberg, Larry the Cucumber, and Jesus Christ.
MOSTLY B’s: You are a SWEATERBOY. And sweaterboys can be any gender, so don’t worry about that even one iota. You are protective and fierce and loving, although your calm, plain exterior might not give it away. You’re tired. You’re sarcastic. You need a flamboyant partner to teach you not to live by the societal conventions that have constrained you all your life. You would die for your partner, but you’ve never had the luck.
Notable Sweaterboys: John Watson, Jack Dawson, Kevin Jones, Abbi Abrams, Rory Gilmore, James Wilson, Grantaire, Kanye West, Cardinal Steven, Ronald McDonald, Trish Walker, Ernie, Drake, Bea Santello, Eduardo Saverin, Bob the Tomato, and John the Apostle.