Amy Discovers Jo’s AO3 Handle and Drags Her in the March Family Groupchat

THE MARCH SISTERS GROUPCHAT

Amy: hey wheres jo do we know where jo is rn

Meg: She told me she was seeing Knives Out with Laurie

Beth: yeah she posted about it on Instagram a half hour ago

Amy: ok good so shes not here to defend herself

Beth: hm don’t like where this is going

Meg: Oh no Amy what did you do?

Amy: id idnt do anything!!!!!! SHE used my phone when hers broke last week

Amy: and she logged into a webiste for FAN FICTION

Amy: and she forgot to log otu 😈

Beth: oh jesus christ

Amy: im gonna go thru this chronolgiclaly or however u spell that

Amy: in time order

Meg: Amy don’t

Meg: This is none of our business

Amy: so the first thing she posted ws a back in 2008 it was a harry potter fan fiction

Beth: seriously amy no one cares about jo’s old harry potter fanfiction

Amy: its called “Flirting with Death”

Amy: an dits… about … snape… and hermoine 😱

Beth: wait what the fuck really

Amy: “Twenty years after the Battle of Hogwarts, Hermione returns to Hogwarts as Head Mistress. There are many spirits still haunting the halls… and she’s about to fall for a ghost she never expected.”

Beth: ew

Amy: rated m for mature

Beth: amy please stop

Amy: “Hermione looked at the ghost’s cold hand and stared deep in his icy-blue orbs. Should she reach out and take his hand? Should she lead him up to her room? He had taught her so much back then. But now, he was no longer an authority figure. And she was no longer his student. She was his equal. And maybe, just maybe, they could teach each other a thing or two.”

Beth: stop

Amy: “The freezing fingers of Snape’s ghost carded through Hermione’s hair as their tongues battled for dominance.”

Beth: STOP

Meg: I would never have expected Hermione to fall for a stodgy old professor, it seems very out of character for her

Meg: What’s wrong with Ron? I always thought he was such a sweetie

Amy: jo doesnt like sweeties meg she likes weird old ass men

Amy: case in point she wrote like 1 billion stories here about sherlock fuckin holmes

Beth: oh the new bbc version right? jo made me watch the first episode with her once

Beth: it was alright

Amy: this ones got like 100k hits

Amy: “Weep, Little Lion Man” its from 2011

Amy: Sherlock Holmes/John Watson, Harriet “Harry” Watson/Clara

Amy: “When John’s sister is hospitalized with a potentially fatal case of pneumonia, he and Sherlock pay her a visit in the hospital. When his sister’s wife assumes that he and Sherlock are a couple, will he face the truth? Or continue living a lie?”

Beth: wait when did she post this

Amy: uhm February 2011

Beth: are you fucking kidding me that’s when i got pneumonia

Beth: i almost died

Amy: ya i was there i remember

Beth: did she literally write sherlock holmes fanfiction about the time i got pneumonia and almost died

Amy: “Clara gripped John’s face in her hands. ‘When you love someone,’ she said, ‘when you really love someone, the way you love Sherlock, the way I love your sister, you have to tell them. You have to say the words out loud. Before it’s too late. Before there’s no one to hear you speak.'”

Beth: oh my god i’m gonna smack her

Meg: Sorry, just had to put my phone down for a minute, Daisy had a nightmare and I had to get her back to sleep

Meg: I didn’t know Sherlock Holmes was gay in the BBC show 😲

Amy: he isnt jos just being a weirdo

THE MARCH SISTERS MINUS JO GROUPCHAT

Beth: ok guys i have to move over here for a second

Beth: we for real have to stop

Amy: omg beth why

Amy: this is like the most fun weve EVER had dragging jo

Beth: yeah but like

Beth: ok i know we’ve never really said this as a group but jo is a lesbian

Meg: Beth come on we don’t know that for sure

Amy: yeah plus we JUST established that she likese weird old ass men god beth keep up

Beth: actually i think she’s just drawn to older men/professors/authority figures in fiction because she has trouble connecting to boys her own age

Beth: and it’s more about intellectual validation than physical attraction

Amy: lol ok frued

Beth: anyway i’m just saying if she’s been posting gay fanfiction online she’s probably going through something serious and it doesn’t seem like the kind of thing we should be making fun of her for

Amy: shes not writing lesbian stories tho

Amy: like almost all of these are about guys

Meg: Exactly, it sounds like she’s mostly writing straight stories

Amy: no no no she’s writing about guys AND guys

Amy: gay guys

Amy: if u click on the sidebar there’s a little menu that says the top ten things she writes about most

Amy: Enjolras/Grantaire, Sherlock Holmes/John Watson, Merlin/Arthur, Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Shinji Ikari/Kaworu Nagisa, Finn/Poe Dameron, James “Bucky” Barnes/Steve Rogers, Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov, Aziraphale/Crowley, Nate Silver/Harry Enten

Beth: nate silver? the 538 guy?

Amy: imm pretty sure all of those are guys

Meg: I don’t know

Meg: Karkat sounds like it could be a boy or a girl

Beth: nate silver from 538 and harry enten also from 538?

Amy: i just googled karkat and i think its a boy

Amy: like some type of cartoon alien boy with horns but yeah a boy

Beth: so i’m truly the only one who cares that she is writing romantic fanfiction about the 538 podcasters

Amy: like heres “My Own Self-Fulfilling Prophecy” from 2014

Amy: “No Archive Warnings Apply, Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Dave Strider, Karkat Vantas, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, FTM!Dave”

Amy: “When Karkat finds a ‘baby photos’ folder on Dave’s hard drive, depicting a pink wriggler who is, by all appearances, a girl, he thinks he’s glimpsing yet another an alternate timeline. It’s up to Dave to tell him the truth.”

Meg: I don’t understand

Amy: neither do i

Amy: theres like 16 fanfictions about this dave guy and theyre like all tagged “FTM!Dave”

Amy: wtf is ftm

Beth: i don’t know amy why does it matter

Amy: a bunch of the star wars ones have it too like “FTM!Poe Dameron”

Amy: and heres “FTM!Enjolras”

Amy: what does it meeeeean what’s ftm

Meg: It must be a fan fiction terminology

Amy: yeah maybe

THE MARCH SISTERS GROUPCHAT

Jo: AMY I AM GOIGN TO FUCKIGN KILL YOU

Jo: WITH MY BAR EFUCKING HANDS I AMG OIGTN TO KIL

Meg: Oh no

Amy: ur the one who logged in on my phone and STAYED logged in when urs got back fromt he store

Jo: HWO FUCKING DARE YOU YOU HAD NO FUCKIGN RIGHT

Beth: jo i’m really sorry i told her to stop

Beth: you can scroll up and see i told her to stop

Meg: Jo we are all wondering what is “FTM!Dave”?

Amy: yeah there’s like a zillion stories abt ftm this and ftm that

Jo: AM Y I FUCKGIN

Jo: FUCK

Meg: Jo are you there? We can see you typing

Jo: YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Beth: jo again i’m really really sorry

Beth: but actually also why did you write sherlock holmes fanfiction based on the time i got pneumonia and almost died that’s not cool

Beth: especially because i remember you would visit me in the hospital and you’d be on your laptop the entire time and you were always like “oh i’m working on this term paper” but you were actually writing sherlock holmes fanfiction weren’t you

Beth: while i was DYING

Beth: of PNEUMONIA

Laurie: Hey everyone, Jo’s phone is not working

Laurie: Jo threw it on the ground in the parking lot and the screen shattered and it’s not starting

Amy: oh god again

Amy: seriously

Amy: marmees gonna be pissed

Meg: Is she okay?

Laurie: Jo just needs a second

Laurie: Jo is in my car now

Meg: Okay just having a cool down?

Laurie: No Jo wanted to use the seat warmers

Meg: I meant cool down like relax, take a breath, ect. haha

Laurie: Oh no Jo is not doing that either LOL

Laurie: Jo is punching the dashboard and exclaiming things

Amy: jfc drama queen

Laurie: It’s okay Jo just needs to let off some steam

Laurie: My dashboard is sturdy enough to handle it

Beth: well can you tell her to text me when she’s calmed down a little

Laurie: But Jo’s phone is broken

Laurie: Jo threw it on the ground in the parking lot and it broke I just told you

Beth: ok. laurie. can you give her YOUR phone so she can text me

Laurie: Sure one second

Laurie: okay lmao this is NOT how i wanted to do this but here we fuckin g go

Laurie: i’m!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! transgender!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111 tada!!!!!!!

Meg: Oh Laurie this is such big news, you know we love you and you will always be an honorary March Sister 💖

Laurie: oh my god meg you 79 year old grandma this is JO using LAURIE’S PHONE

Laurie: i mean like yeah laurie IS trans (she just gave me permission to tell you, i asked) but thats not the point

Laurie: i jo march am transgender

Laurie: i am a transgender man

Amy: isnt transgender just like the new way of saying you’re bi

Laurie: no dipshit

Beth: amy honey i think you’re thinking of pansexual

Amy: ohhhhhhh right right right ok

Laurie: i wasn’t gonna tell you guys yet but you found the ftm dave strider fics

Laurie: which basically left me no choice

Meg: Well Jo we love you very much and we are very proud of you

Beth: yeah dude we love you

BETH has changed the name of THE MARCH SISTERS GROUPCHAT  to THE MARCH SIBLINGS GROUPCHAT

Laurie: 

Laurie: we can talk about this more when i get home

Meg: Is Laurie giving you a ride?

Laurie: yeah she’s gonna drive me home now so i can beat amy’s ass

Amy: noooooooooo please don’t beat my ass jo i love you

Amy: i love you even tho you write about bucky and captaina mericana being cannibal mermaids who eat and kill iron man

Beth: wait what

Meg: Cannibal mermaids?

Amy: thats right

Amy: cannibal

Amy: mermaids

Amy: care to comment jo

Laurie: I’m driving with Do Not Disturb While Driving turned on. I’ll see your message when I get where I’m going.

Laurie: (I’m not receiving notifications. If this is urgent, reply ‘urgent’ to send a notification through with your original message.)

Amy: urgent

16 thoughts on “Amy Discovers Jo’s AO3 Handle and Drags Her in the March Family Groupchat

  1. lenabarsky says:

    oh my absolute LORD this was perfect in every way, every detail was SPOT ON, thank you for making my day. I especially lost it at the list of ships, and every excerpt was comedy gold. THANK YOU

    Like

  2. gement says:

    Oh my dog, it’s perfect. It is utterly flawless and I wished it was on AO3 so I could mash every single approval button. I am also feeling weirdly seen as my own personal little time capsule trajectory of fandoms we have hurtled through as a community since 2009, with special loving emphasis on FTM!Dave Strider.

    So good. Just, so good. Thank you!

    Like

  3. joeyplaid says:

    OKAY here’s the thing. I have read this piece no fewer than a dozen times and every time I read it it makes me absolutely cry with laughter. This is *literally* one of the funniest things I have ever read in my entire middle-aged life. It has extended my lifespan by at least five years. You are a master and I love you even though we’ve never met. God fuckin bless you my child ❤

    Like

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