From açaí to charcoal, quinoa to kale, we’ve all watched innumerable superfoods come and go. With the new year fast approaching, it’s time to peer into the crystal ball, consult the cards, and pull something out of our collective ass to meet our court-ordered listicle quota. And so, we bring you the next five superfoods of 2018. Results may vary.
1.) Wheat gluten
This pendulum had to swing back eventually. In 2018, expect wheat gluten to start popping up on the shelves of your favorite co-op. Good luck finding it at the local Asian grocery anymore — now you have to fight the dude with the white guy dreadlocks for the last jar, right there between the vegan cheese puffs and the artisanal soap display.
It’s been a few years since the 2013 horse meat scandal, and plenty has changed since then. I mean, shit, Lemonade hadn’t even been released yet. In the post-Obama, post-truth, post-apocalyptic world of 2018, this equine delicacy will get a new lease on life as basashi: a rich source of Omega-3 fatty acids and a healthy, lustrous coat. Expect a pop up fried horse ‘n’ waffles stand on a street corner near you any day now.
Step aside, activated charcoal: there’s a new detoxifier in town. Found in the guts of porcupines, these stone-like masses of food, hair, and digestive juices are all-natural and cruelty-free — at least provided the porcupine is dead already. They’re also “perceived to cure cancer, epilepsy, and typhoid,” which is almost as good as actually curing them, so blend some bezoar into your next glass of cold-pressed juice for some of that cure-all kick. Hey, if it’s good enough for Medieval Europeans, it’s good enough for you.
4.) Gwyneth Paltrow
The 2018, GOOP will take its commitment to wellness to the next level by offering up Gwynnie herself to one lucky buyer. According to the 2018 GOOP Gift Guide, legend has it that she who eats her still-beating heart wins eternal life, fortune beyond measure, and ultra dewy skin — so start saving now! The rest of her is probably detoxifying or something, too.
5.) The Bourgeoisie
There’s only so much of Gwyneth to go around, and with all the quinoa and goji berries the bourgeoisie eat, they’re bound to be as rich in antioxidants as they are in the unearned fruits of proletariat labor. Try some dried bourgeoisie sprinkled on top of your favorite grain bowl for that extra state-smashing boost. You’re going to need all the energy you can get.