Like anyone with a bad childhood and worse posture, I like to think of myself as an aspiring comedian. Accordingly, I try to model my own maladaptive public displays on those of the industry legends— legends such as Louis C.K. After all, who could be a better inspiration than Mr. C.K.? The man is a stand up innovator, a true pioneer in the field of straight white guys self-flagellating for money. After years of study, I’m proud to say that I’ve extracted a foolproof, three step system for achieving career success from comedy’s own grandmaster of self-abuse. May it serve you well.
Step #1: Learn to improvise.
You never know when your big break might happen. Anyone you meet, no matter how female, could be just the industry contact you need to impress for your next gig. Stay on your toes! If you meet a charming young lady who’s willing to tolerate your presence even for a minute, take advantage of the opportunity with some spontaneous penile improv. Just corner her in the back room, shut the door, and go to town on that nasty thing of yours. Allegedly. Turn that “ew, no” into a “yes, and…” before her very eyes. And critics thought your work was masturbatory before!
Step #2: Stay on the cutting edge.
In today’s fast-moving comedy world, half of success is striking while the cultural iron is hot. You need to be current. You need to be topical. You need a viral sexual misconduct scandal.
Now, you’re probably reading this and thinking “but Weinstein and Spacey have that market cornered! I mean, look at Johnny Depp and Casey Affleck— they can barely even get their abuse scandals trending these days. How can I expect this to work for me if it didn’t work for innumerable famous men?” Believe me, I hear you. It seems impossible to get attention for your alleged abusive behavior with so many power players eating up all that sweet, sweet search engine optimization. But therein lies your hook! All it takes is your own penchant for cranking that hog plus the name recognition of the great-great-grandfather of creeps himself, Woody Allen.
Step #3: Pay homage to the greats who came before you.
There’s a reason why the biggest names in Hollywood, from Cate Blanchett to Kristen Stewart to Hugh Jackman to Scarlett Johansson to Javier Bardem to Jesse Eisenberg to Blake Lively to Diane Keaton, hitch their star-power to Woody Allen. Decade after decade, scandal after scandal, he continues to thrive while lesser directors succumb to trivialities like “developing their craft” and “not producing thinly veiled pedophilic wank fuel.” Association with Woody Allen is the golden ticket you need to launch your comedic career into the stratosphere, so get controversial and secretly direct a film poking fun at his unfathomably vile behavior. Then, just as your own sexual misconduct scandal is coming to a head, cancel its release. The media will go wild and you’ll be a trending topic overnight. Welcome to the big time, kid.
And there you have it. By now, I’m sure you’re well on your way to comedic infamy courtesy of the very best career guide in the business. Just remember, a laugh is a laugh. And if it’s directed at you and the obvious fetish you’ve allegedly been inflicting on women in plain sight for years, so be it. You’ll still probably get another cable special out of this, anyway.