Quiz: Where Do You Fall on the Mulaney-Tendler-Kinsey Scale?

Here at The Niche, we are big fans of John Mulaney and Annamarie Tendler’s love for one another. But often, as I browse their Instagrams, an internal dilemma arises: do I want to be John? Do I want to be Anna? Or do I simply want them to adopt me?

I suspect that these questions plague many of you, too. Thus, in an improvement upon Alfred Kinsey’s famous Heterosexual-Homosexual Rating Scale (familiarly, the Kinsey Scale), I have devised the Mulaney-Tendler-Kinsey Scale. Thanks to this groundbreaking advancement in social science, you can finally determine the exact degree to which you want to be John Mulaney, or Annamarie Tendler, or merely their adopted child.

Simply answer the questions below, keeping track of your points as you go. Once you’ve completed the quiz, calculate the average of your points to determine where you fall on the seven-point Mulaney-Tendler-Kinsey Scale, from a 0 (Exclusively Tendler) to a 6 (Exclusively Mulaney). Best of luck.

Question One

Screen Shot 2019-04-11 at 9.02.56 PM

This is a picture of John Mulaney and Annamarie Tendler doing couples’ brunch with fellow heterosexual propagandists Andy Samberg and Joanna Newsom.

Would you rather: 

  • Be John Mulaney in this photo [6 Points]
  • Be Annamarie Tendler in this photo [0 Points]
  • Be their adopted child, out of frame; in fact, taking the photo with the vintage camera they bought you as a gift on the fifth night of Hanukkah [X Points]

Question Two

Screen Shot 2019-04-11 at 9.08.43 PM

This is a picture of Annamarie Tendler and John Mulaney dressing up to see Smashing Pumpkins with their friends.

Would you rather: 

  • Be John Mulaney in this photo [6 Points]
  • Be Annamarie Tendler in this photo [0 Points]
  • Be their adopted child, who is not invited to the concert, given that it’s well past your bedtime, but rest assured, they’ll buy you a t-shirt and play Siamese Dream on the stereo when they drive you to school tomorrow morning, to ensure that you’re cultured [X Points]

Question Three

Screen Shot 2019-04-11 at 9.11.59 PM

In this photo, John Mulaney and Annamarie Tendler are dressed up for Halloween as Jason Schwartzman and Natalie Portman’s characters in the Wes Anderson film “Hotel Chevalier.”

Would you rather: 

  • Be John Mulaney in this photo [6 Points]
  • Be Annamarie Tendler in this photo [0 Points]
  • Be their adopted child, who they send to school on Halloween dressed in a tiny fur coat and a polo shirt and a short blonde wig and even, for the first time in your young life, mascara, so that you can stand out as a young Margot Tenenbaum in a classroom full of off-the-rack Marvel Cinematic Universe costumes [X Points]

Question Four

Screen Shot 2019-04-11 at 9.20.38 PM

This is a photo of Annamarie Tendler deploying her considerable make-up and hairstyling skills to transform John Mulaney into a disgusting old man.

Would you rather: 

  • Be John Mulaney in this photo [6 Points]
  • Be Annamarie Tendler in this photo [0 Points]
  • Be their adopted child, who is not permitted to see “Oh, Hello” on Broadway, or to watch the Netflix special, until you have undergone a stylish bar/bat mitzvah [X Points]

Question Five

Screen Shot 2019-04-11 at 9.26.18 PM

This is a picture of Annamarie Tendler, John Mulaney, and their bulldog, Petunia, moving into their new apartment with nary an item of furniture but a chic leopard statue.

Would you rather: 

  • Be John Mulaney in this photo [6 Points]
  • Be Annamarie Tendler in this photo [0 Points]
  • Be the leopard statue, forever roaring with joy for having been given the privilege of occupying their apartment and, on occasion, the even greater privilege of being sneezed upon by Petunia [X Points]

Question Six

Screen Shot 2019-04-11 at 9.29.13 PM

This is, tragically, a photo of John Mulaney and Annamarie Tendler attending a function at the White House, not a photo of them assuming their rightful places as President and First Gentleman.

Would you rather: 

  • Be John Mulaney in this photo [6 Points]
  • Be Annamarie Tendler in this photo [0 Points]
  • Be back in November 2016 again, when the acute horror of America’s circumstance was still sinking in, and you weren’t numb to the daily litany of atrocity the way you are now [X Points]

Question Seven

Screen Shot 2019-04-11 at 9.32.55 PM

This is a photo of the Tendler-Mulaneys celebrating an interfaith winter holiday together, complete with Petunia in an interfaith winter holiday sweater, complete with a jaunty leopard-print collar!

Would you rather: 

  • Be John Mulaney in this photo [6 Points]
  • Be Annamarie Tendler in this photo [0 Points]
  • Be Petunia [X Points]

Question Eight

Screen Shot 2019-04-11 at 9.21.10 PM

This is a photo of Annamarie Tendler and John Mulaney enjoying deluxe seats at the original Broadway production of “Natasha, Pierre, and the Great Comet of 1812.”

Would you rather: 

  • Be John Mulaney in this photo [6 Points]
  • Be Annamarie Tendler in this photo [0 Points]
  • Be someone who was smart enough to jump on “Great Comet” when they had the chance, instead of some idiot chump like yours truly who didn’t even bother to take a MegaBus to New York on a slow weekend and score some rush tickets [X Points]

Question Nine

Screen Shot 2019-04-11 at 9.41.50 PM

This is a photo of John Mulaney hugging Annamarie Tendler just after she finished running a half-marathon, and with nary a hair out of place in that perfectly coiffed, Adidas-banded ponytail.

Would you rather: 

  • Be John Mulaney in this photo [6 Points]
  • Be Annamarie Tendler in this photo [0 Points]
  • Go to City Hall right now immediately to procure your adoption papers [X Points]

Question Ten

Screen Shot 2019-04-11 at 9.49.35 PM

Screen Shot 2019-04-11 at 9.46.37 PM

Screen Shot 2019-04-11 at 9.51.07 PM

These photos are among the greatest thirst traps on John and Anna’s Instagram profiles. Choose wisely.

I choose:

  • Annamarie Tendler’s ethereal goddess baroque painting handmade tiara thirst trap [6 Points]
  • John Mulaney’s Patti Smith drag thirst trap [0 Points]
  • Definitely that goddamned cake, Jesus tap-dancing Christ [X Points]

Scoring

Add up your points from all ten questions. Divide your score by ten, then round to the nearest integer. This is your score on the Mulaney-Tendler-Kinsey Scale

Keep a separate tally of any questions to which you gave an “X Points” answer. If you answered “X” to more than five questions, you are an “X” on the Mulaney-Tendler-Kinsey Scale. 

6: Exclusively Mulaney

You exclusively want to be John Mulaney! You are a delight all on your own, but you yearn to be eclipsed in every way by — and to dedicate your every breath to cheerleading for — a dynamite five-foot Jewish bitch skilled in the arts of couture fashion, feminist activism, and geriatric make-up.

5: Predominantly Mulaney, Only Incidentally Tendler

You predominantly want to be John Mulaney, but on occasion, you want to be Annamarie Tendler. Unfortunately, your pathological fear of confrontation means that you spend a lot of time lurking timidly around the Delta Airlines customer help desk instead of honing your aesthetic and practicing textile arts.

4: Predominantly Mulaney, But More Than Incidentally Tendler

You predominantly want to be John Mulaney, but you also want to be Annamarie Tendler a fair bit. You are making tremendous progress in overcoming social anxiety and your Catholic guilt is melting away from you like the fading residue of a bad dream.

3: Equally Mulaney and Tendler

You want to be John Mulaney and Annamarie Tendler in equal measure. Some Steely Dan songs sound great to you; others, not so much!

2: Predominantly Tendler, But More Than Incidentally Mulaney

You predominantly want to be Annamarie Tendler, but you also want to be John Mulaney a fair bit. You recently opened Netflix to watch “Cléo de 5 à 7” in memory of the late Agnès Varda, but you got a little distracted half an hour in and switched to “South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut,” the screenplay of which you can recite from memory.

1: Predominantly Tendler, Only Incidentally Mulaney

You predominantly want to be Annamarie Tendler, but on occasion, you want to be John Mulaney. Like, it can’t just be growing succulents and owning Jerry Seinfeld with a withering single syllable and scouring the thrift stores of European cities for surfeit aesthetic marvels all the time. Sometimes you just want to eat peanut butter right out of the jar with a spoon.

0: Exclusively Tendler

You exclusively want to be Annamarie Tendler. You will find a way to make heterosexuality work for you, so help you G-d.

X: No Mulaney or Tendler Contacts or Reactions

You may not want to be John Mulaney or Annamarie Tendler, but you certainly want to bask in their aura at all times, whether it be through adoption or importing your soul into Petunia’s stout canine body.

3 thoughts on “Quiz: Where Do You Fall on the Mulaney-Tendler-Kinsey Scale?

  1. sara says:

    never in my life have i experienced more emotional turmoil than having to make a decision for every question, this is my indecisive, bisexual, not sure if i want to be in bed with them or tucked into bed by them, absolute worst nightmare

    Like

  2. an indecisive lesbian says:

    worst nightmare: having to choose between being married to a literal goddess and being these two’s kid slash dog….. basically all my answers were “6 or x points”

    Like

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