An Open Letter to the Person Who Keeps Accessing Our Site By Googling Stuff Like “john mulaney wife armpit hair”

Dear Sir or Mad — nah, let’s be real, you’re almost definitely a Sir, and a sorry excuse for one, at that,

Last November, I wrote an article entitled “Let’s Scroll Through John Mulaney and Annamarie Tendler’s Instagrams While Listening to ‘Wouldn’t It Be Nice’ by the Beach Boys Until We All Have Emotional Breakdowns.” It was an innocuous appreciation of their great love for one another: snapshots of trips to Italy, ping-pong games, and sunny afternoons on the couch with Petunia, their French bulldog. All in all, aww-inducing.

In one of these Instagram posts, Annamarie Tendler is holding her arm up a little bit, and you can see a tiny blur of armpit hair. People were fighting in the comments about whether or not it was “gross” for her to have armpit hair. Being, as I am, an advocate for allowing women to do whatever the hell they want with their body hair, I wrote, “The multi-paragraph argument going on in the comments section about Annamarie Tendler’s right to possess pit hair is, however, not nice. Pipe down, haters.”

And so now, some months later, I find myself in the position of logging into The Niche’s back end every single day to find that you, sir, have once again been accessing our website. As site administrators, we receive a list of every search term that people use to find The Niche. Sometimes these terms are cute (“why do lesbians love kit kittredge”) and sometimes they’re funny (“dis andreson cooper get braces”) and sometimes, well…

Sometimes, they’re your stanky ass.

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For those of you reading who are not this dude, believe me: it’s happened at least half a dozen times now. Every time, it’s a different search term. Sometimes, he misspells Annamarie Tendler’s name, and we’ll get, like, “ann marie tender arm pit.” Sometimes, he forgets her name, and he also forgets how to spell “wife,” and he’ll punch in, “john mulaney wite armpit hair.” (In fairness, that’s one letter off from “john mulaney white armpit hair,” so he might have been looking for pics of George St. Geegland’s luscious geriatric armpits that one time.)

Anyway, regardless of the specific search term being used, it really never, ever gets any less creepy seeing this shit pop up. So I have to ask: What drives you, sir? What do you get out of this project? I don’t know why you’re doing this, and I don’t really care to know. But I do know this: Annamarie Tendler’s armpit hair is not for your gaze, motherfucker.

There’s a possibility that I’ve misjudged the situation. I’ll admit it. Maybe you’re a young woman who’s insecure about her own body hair, and seeing someone as shiny and self-possessed as Annamarie Tendler rocking the look makes you feel better about yourself. But… no, I’m pretty sure this is a creepy armpit-sex thing, and I feel compelled to make my extreme disapproval known, you weirdo. Stop doing this shit. Here is a comprehensive list of hobbies; get one, and stop using your free time to jack it to John Mulaney’s wife’s armpits.

Yours sincerely,

The Niche Editorial Board

3 thoughts on “An Open Letter to the Person Who Keeps Accessing Our Site By Googling Stuff Like “john mulaney wife armpit hair”

  1. A Fuzzy Lady says:

    This is technically addressed to me, but I’m a lady with my own armpit hair who was excited to find out that another lady I already admired might have her own. I know that my click here will show up in your metrics, so I just wanted to let you know my purposes were relatively wholesome (I know it’s kind of weird to search about specifics of celebrities bodies no matter what the deal is).

    Like

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