I Went Ahead and Wrote A Spider-Man Movie Where Peter Parker is Bisexual Because Life is Short and God Knows Nobody Else Was Going to Do It

Here’s the screenplay, if you want to skip the preamble.

Did you know that Andrew Garfield, the inventor of acting, once proposed a Spider-Man movie in which Peter Parker would be bisexual and Michael B. Jordan would play MJ? Did you know that he proposed this more than once?

Did you know that Sony and Marvel allegedly inked a legal licensing agreement in 2011 which contractually obligated all parties involved to portray Peter Parker as straight and white?

No? You didn’t know all that? Well, you do now. Welcome to my own personal hell. Andrew Garfield tried to deliver a bisexual Spider-Man unto us, and Sony and Marvel successfully conspired to screw us out of it.

Until a couple of weeks ago, I’d just resigned myself to the fact that we would never see the immaculate truth of a bisexual Peter Parker on the silver screen.

But then I was like, wait. I may not have the resources of a Hollywood film production studio. But I do have a word processor, a beating heart, and too much time on my hands.

So I just… went ahead and wrote a whole-ass, feature-length Spider-Man movie. Like, not a parody. Not a joke. A dead serious Spider-Man movie with a real plot and shit. In twelve days. OCPD be like that sometimes. In the words of Aubrey Drake Graham:

I ain’t gotta do it
But fuck it, somebody gotta do it
Hate if someone else did it
Fuck, I may as well do it

So here it is, world.

Here’s the screenplay for The Amazing Spider-Man 3: A Gay Fantasia on Superheroic Themes.

And here’s the soundtrack on Spotify, because I am nothing if not thorough.

Featured songs include:

  1. New York, I Love You But You’re Bringing Me Down by LCD Soundsystem
  2. The Only Living Boy in New York by Simon & Garfunkel
  3. New York by the Sex Pistols; warning for slurs.
  4. There’s A Boat That’s Leaving Soon for New York by Miles Davis
  5. New York by U2
  6. I Guess the Lord Must Be in New York City by Harry Nilsson
  7. Piazza, New York Catcher by Belle & Sebastian
  8. New York City Cops by the Strokes
  9. NYC’s Like A Graveyard by the Moldy Peaches; warning for slurs.
  10. New York City Serenade by Bruce Springsteen
  11. I Can’t See New York by Tori Amos
  12. New York by St. Vincent
  13. Welcome to New York by Ryan Adams

Let the healing begin.

59 thoughts on “I Went Ahead and Wrote A Spider-Man Movie Where Peter Parker is Bisexual Because Life is Short and God Knows Nobody Else Was Going to Do It

  1. purplendicular says:

    That was freaking amazing (heh) and I honestly want to see this turned into a movie.

    I love Andrew Garfield even more now.

    I loved the ending credit scenes in this; the little bits of Peter and MJ doing romantic, domestic things, and Kamala joining in with teasing, and the bits of mystery that are left unsolved (the servers? holy fucK).

    I love the spotify playlist SO MUCH HOLY SHIT
    You should put in the description “aka the one about new york” or something lol

    GIGI IS FANTASTIC
    MJ IS FANTASTIC
    THE CHARACTERS ARE ON POINT AND ALL IN CHARACTER

    I LOVE the fact that Peter is Jewish, Kamala is a Muslim woman and MJ is a black man. If someone ever makes this movie, they had better stick to this.

    *screams in lgbt poc representation*

    BTW, you have so much fucking screenwriting talent that it’s not even funny. I’d hire you if I was a producer.

    Like

  2. f.a. says:

    fun fact, they’re doing an actual Marvel Team-Up comic with Peter and Kamala and I keep thinking about how well the Grey’s Anatomy part would fit 😅

    Like

  3. AH says:

    I love this! You really captured who Peter is and I love the glimpses we see of Gwen. This version of MJ is very sweet and compelling, and I think it’s neat how they initially meet because of their grief and move on together.
    My biggest criticism is that Im guessing that Prof. Hardy is meant to be a nod to Felicia Hardy and I love Black Cat too much for her to be played as a straight villain.
    Overall though, this is a wonderful script and I could see the frames assembling in my head.

    Like

  4. Autumn says:

    oh my god??? oh my GOD??? oH my GoD?? Thank you!!! You’ve done all of us a great service, and added years to my lifespan… Your commitment to detail made this a high-density, high-quality read, I’m so happy!

    Like

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