When Are They Going to Make A Fucking Kavalier & Clay Movie, God Fucking Dammit, It’s Been Twenty Fucking Years

So all the way back in the year 2000 – that’s right, the turn of the fucking century, the dawn of the new millennium – notable great dad Michael Chabon dropped God’s gift to American literature on us with The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay.  It is a magnum opus. It is the Great American Novel. There is no praise I can give to this book that has not already been bestowed upon it.

Perhaps the most noteworthy accolade here is that it won the Pulitzer Prize back in 2001, but it also has the distinct honour of being the first piece of media I ever consumed in my life where I got gay vibes from the protagonist and then, rather than forcing me through several hundred pages of subtext and queerbaiting, the author switched shit up on me and made the protagonist actually gay. 

Like, super, super gay. Protagonist having a tender make-out session with his boyfriend atop of the Empire State Building during a lightning storm-level gay. I will never forget the moment it dawned on me that Michael Chabon was about to drop some next-level gay shit; it was a condensation of pure euphoria the likes of which I had never encountered before and have never encountered since.

But any-fucking-way, that’s actually beside the point of this article, and that point is: why the fuck isn’t there a movie yet? Before this book was even published, Scott Rudin paid through the nose for the film rights based on a five-page pitch, which means that the biggest producer in Hollywood has had his hot little hands on this shit for almost two decades.

And in the mid-2000s Michael Chabon wrote, like, a dozen screenplay drafts, and Scott Rudin kept whack-a-moling him and making him write more. Oh my god, yeah, and then in 2004 Stephen Daldry gave an interview to the New York Fucking Times saying he was planning to direct the movie the following year, and that never fucking happened.

At some point they got close to announcing Tobey Maguire and Natalie Portman and the guy from Billy Elliot as the three leads, which would have been a fucking disaster, since all three characters are Jewish and Tobey Maguire and Billy Elliot are not. Natalie Portman can stay, though. I guess she still could? Sis hasn’t aged a day, and she is my wife, and I love her. Other names allegedly attached at various points included Andrew Garfield (Jewish, twinky, perfect for Sam), Jason Schwartzman (Jewish, not twinky, perfect for Joe), Ben Whishaw (twinky, not Jewish, angry “no” buzzer noise), and Ryan Gosling’s ugly ass.

But of course, none of that ever panned out, and we rolled all the way into 2011 with no further news, at which point Stephen Daldry issued a desperate plea into the uncaring void for someone, anyone, to let him adapt the book as an HBO miniseries. And here we are, in the year of our Lord 2017, and there is no fucking movie in sight.

I mean, I’m a person. I have human fucking rights. I have endured so much goddamned bullshit in my life and I deserve nothing less than a high-budget, A-list-movie-star, award-baiting adaptation of The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay.

A few years back, Book-It Theatre in Seattle put on a five-hour stage adaptation which I would have sold my kidney to see, but I couldn’t cough up several hundred dollars to fly across North America and into another country just to watch a play. Also, I think the theatrical run was during finals week or something? RIP.

TheAmazingAdventuresofKavalierClay_2014_Ulman_-67_fortwitter_0.jpg

And like, look: am I okay with the fact that the mid-2000s effort to make a big-budget, family-friendly blockbuster Kavalier & Clay movie fell through? Yeah. Yeah, abso-fucking-lutely. I mean, for reasons already mentioned – like Tobey Maguire, Jesus fucking Christ – and also because I came into possession of one of the mid-2000s screenplay drafts at one point and I can verify that two of the book’s three gay love scenes are just gone. Like, gone, whoosh, obliterated, left on the cutting room floor. Furthermore, Sam’s story in the novel features a breathtaking and brutal emotional climax that left me reeling for days and, in the moment, forced me to put the book down and do deep breathing exercises. And that’s gone in the screenplay. Instead of all that shit going down, Sam goes for a walk in the park with his boyfriend and some kids throw sticks at them and then he gets scared and goes back in the closet. And that’s really just the tip of the bullshit iceberg.

Of course, no shade @ Michael Chabon – I get it. It was the mid-2000s. No film studio on the planet was going to let you get away with putting a gay love scene in the middle of a summer blockbuster. You could probably get away with it today if it were marketed to adults, but I think the studios would probably try to sell it as a superhero flick, so it’d still be difficult. HBO miniseries, though? Game fucking on. Sam Clay can give Tracy Bacon a good rogering as much as his gay little heart desires, and it’ll still lap up at the Emmys.

In conclusion, it’s time. It’s time for a goddamned Kavalier & Clay movie. It’s time, and I’ve suffered enough, and if Scott Rudin and Michael Chabon and Stephen Daldry and Natalie Portman and whoever the fuck else don’t come through for me on this in, like, the next three years, I’m going to lose my fucking mind. Please. God. I’m begging.

One thought on “When Are They Going to Make A Fucking Kavalier & Clay Movie, God Fucking Dammit, It’s Been Twenty Fucking Years

  1. irvin lin (@eatthelove) says:

    Yes and Yes and YES. Also, it’s clear with the recent adaptation of American Gods on Starz, that it would be a great home for a miniseries. Because, let’s face it, the epic book deserves a couple of seasons on TV and not just a 2+ hour version film.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s